This past week I had an amazing dream. The kind that you just can't let go of. The feelings that you woke up with linger and you feel God's presence and you know it was His message, His way of communicating to you. In this dream, Britton, my son was talking. I don't mean an occasional word, (being defined as two a year) I mean he was talking to me like anyone else. That would be a dream come true. I'm not honestly sure what the statistics are now, but somewhere around 50%
of autistic kids can't talk. So...my dream, is the dream of many families living with autism. The last thing I remembered before I woke up was a word spoken to me by a "prophet" almost 20 years ago...Words of hope, that have required faith for a really long time.
None of the doctors at Texas Childrens had SEEN autism back then, they had diagnosed Britton terminal, based off of a brain MRI and they gave him six months. They said he would die this horrific death as his brain continued to atrophy. That diagnosis...it feels like you've been pushed off a cliff and you just keep falling and falling and you never catch your breath. An apt description, as I would sleep in 20-30 minute intervals, and wake up with my heart racing, trying to breath. *for those of you dealing with autism, they believe that MRI may be the only existing "picture" of what autism does to a brain at the initial insult. (For us, the "initial insult" was a vaccine that caused seizures less than 24 hours later and then anaphylactic shock shortly thereafter.)
We had taken Britton to a revival. Go ahead sigh, roll your eyes. No matter what you're thinking, you'd do it too. If your child was dying, and the medical community was stumped.... you'd go. It wasn't our church at the time, (we barely made it to church on Sunday mornings,) but a friend had begged me to bring Britton. It seems there was a preacher from South Africa and he was praying for the sick and they were being healed! My husband was in school more than 40 hours a week, and I worked crazy hours trying to support us, and take care of two little girls and a "terminally ill" two year old. It was just nuts to go...but I was desperate. I believed God was still in control, and I believed He healed... I still do.
The church was VERY crowded. We were in the back of the balcony and we didn't know a soul there. I had not even told my friend that invited me were coming, so she wasn't there either. We were there about an hour when the preacher says, "There is someone here, and you've brought your son and the doctors say he is going to die." You can imagine, my heart began racing, I couldn't breath.... Long story short, we went down and he prayed for us. He knew Britton's name, which I've always thought was more than cool. (we didn't know one single person in that building, nor did anyone know we were coming.....we went at the last second.) He said lots of things that only God knew, and the part that I think on the most is him saying, "You will wake up one day and this will just be over with. This child, will stand up and be great and powerfully used in the kingdom of God. An apostle with a sword in his hand." Now, if you're thinking "Yeah right." I don't suppose I blame you. For almost twenty years I've thought on his words and held pretty tight to that promise. Of course we didn't know it was autism at the time... Funny thing is, I often catch myself thinking that autism is harder for God than a terminal illness. I guess I just think autism is WAAAAAY HARD! Feel free to laugh at that, I do.
And that brings me to what the dream has had me thinking about. Mostly about Faith. Where is my faith when it comes to autism, when it comes to life in general? Cause that's what I thought of immediately when I woke up from the dream..."Isn't it our faith that opens the door for God to RSVP with proof? I just wonder, "do we see so few miracles, because we believe so little?"
Have I not seen the promise all these years because my faith has wavered? Not questions with easy answers...So the final question on this subject...Is it God's will that we see answers to our prayers? I ask a lot of questions. But I suppose the best answer to most my questions would be, "according to your faith it will be done to you." Matt 9:29. I'm going to leave that there... floating, just think on it.
Have you ever felt like you didn't like the rules? (more questions) We probably all have... but trust me, I'm not the one God is going to change the rules for. (Neither are you.) Since we know his precepts are from everlastng to everlasting, it's probably time I repent of my arrogance and lay my idols down.... again and again, day after day....sometimes minute by minute.
Apparently I'd rather continue in my God-testing unbelief and demand He still move mountains. Occasionally He moves them for me anyways... Oh yes, His mercy is new everyday and it's certainly a good thing for human beings...well for this human for sure.
In the autism life, faith is just such a constant, that when it waivers I think we are acutely aware of it's absence. It takes faith for me to take my son in public...every single time. I just never know, the reason being that, the "normals" usually misunderstand most of our interactions. (e.g. Britton is now touching us on the forehead, well constantly, About 5-10 times an hour. There seems to be no changing it, stopping it, reducing it. I don't know what it means, or why he does it. I just have to mostly tolerate it.) How many times has someone walked up and said, "Is something wrong? Why is he hitting you in the head?" I've even had someone tell him to stop. (I'm sorry that's pretty funny.) This past Sunday he did it through the entire sermon. flap flap flap, tap on the forehead. flap flap, tap on the forehead. I got the giggles at one point. I kept thinking he looked like a Pentecostal Preacher praying for us. (sorry pastor) But I just have to trust that some "well meaning samaritan" won't decide that he has crossed a line and now they should call someone to "assist me" or God forbid, "arrest me or maybe even him." Don't even think I'm over exaggerating, because it has happened!! MORE THAN ONCE!!! Oh yeah, it's quite the walk on the tight rope. "Always juggling, while balancing on a wire." God is the only safety net.
There are times it sure seems to me, that finding God's will in any situation is just not as solid as it once was. The "safety net" of KNOWING your in His will, seems smaller than before. (God's covenant with us, the rules, the deal, the agreement, is suppose to be at the least the framework of our safety net.) In the old testament, under that old covenant, Israelites only had to go out and check for a cloud over the tabernacle, or a pillar of fire at night. Seems easy enough. But what I wonder is, did it make obedience any easier? Does knowing what's right and wrong, seal the deal for us? (The same people who crossed the Red Sea on dry ground, who had drunk water from a rock, who had manna in their bellies...got bored or rebellious or jealous or something. Then they apparently forgot all about their God and ended up dancing naked before a golden idol of their own making.) YIKKS!
They seem so ungrateful, and yet... How many times have I worshipped at the feet of the Big PHARM God, praying that somehow "it" would be the answer. Please know... I'm not condemning any of us who try/use medications. God gave many of them to us, we just need to KNOW who our Healer is, Jehovah Rophe! I am so grateful to God when they work, and so sad and disappointed when they don't. Like most Christians, I pray, I trust, I take that leap of faith... most the time it feels like a free fall.
The other day as I watched that man jump at 24,000 feet and free fall for over 4 minutes, I thought..."You need thrills, you need life on the edge... hey just have a child with autism. Your whole need for all that can be fulfilled on a daily basis. Every single adventure into the public will give you the adrenaline rush you apparently crave. Walk into a grocery store with a 150lb man with autism....FREE FALL....
BUT there's always the dreams, and the faith... the very substance of things hoped for. I close my eyes, take a deep breath...and JUMP!
When Everything Broke - Including Me
