The best parts of this Christmas Season, have been so unexpected. Britton has been working on some mirrors he's making. It takes a VERY long time for him to complete one. We cut plywood into just the right size. Sawing and preparing and making sure it will fit. Then he carefully applies the liquid nails to the back of each mirror placing it onto the center of each board. After that, we gently place beautiful tiles, and colored glass all around the outside edges. He sits so focused and carefully decides which piece goes where. His eyes squint and he tilts his head, thinking, deciding, creating. He's quite the artist, this handsome autistic man God has given me. Two months later, many hours, and many decisions later, you might have one mirror. He is so careful, he is creating. Since I've spent so much time beside him, encouraging and "helping" I have so many times been drawn to think of God creating us. Carefully picking up each piece, matching what only He knows goes together. Making a very individual masterpiece. It always makes me smile.
In the beginning I tried to "help" way more than he would allow. I would "suggest" a piece here or there. He would sit it back down, and continue with His plan. Often he would pat the top of my hand, assuring me he had a vision. It kept me smiling for days. It made me realize how often I had done that in prayer. "This would help so much God, please work this into your plan for us." I know He must carefully listen, all the while moving forward with what He knows was the best fit in the first place...sitting my suggestion aside as gently as possible.
If you received, or receive in the future a "not so perfect" mirror or picture frame from Britton, just know that he worked countless hours, planning, moving, changing, and making each piece exactly what he envisions to be a masterpiece. When he handed the very first one off, I saw him tear up. It took all I had to smile, and encourage him to give it away. All I could think of was the word,
EXTRAVAGANT. What an extravagant gift, to give of oneself. Totally something that is so dear. Of course that brings me to the most extravagant gift of all, Jesus. How valuable. How do you put a value on "the pearl of great price?" The similarities surprised me. The person who receives or buys a mirror from Britton, has no clue as to the intrinsic value, the care, the meticulous plan it took to bring....a simple mirror to completion. Do we, really understand the meticulous, care, planning, and love that went into the birth of the savior of the world? Maybe a ridiculous analogy, but God has to teach me from simple things.
As I struggle with Britton's future and what God might have planned for this boy man? The one thing that gives me any peace, is knowing that God has the right piece for my life, for his life, for all our lives. I definitely feel like a bunch of pieces of broken glass and tile more days than not. However some of Britton's creations, that didn't seem to "match" from the beginning became sparkling, pictures of a creator that surprised everyone who had shook their heads from the beginning.
Apart from Autism, I love Christmas. After all, it's the "most wonderful time of the year."
I was worried that this month's blog would be so depressing having battled back seizures, and so much regression that hope has felt in short supply.
I know, I KNOW, I really do know I have so much to be grateful for... AND, I am grateful for those things. Those things, (my precious grand babies, my daughters, my amazing husband, and last but not least, the love and care of the King of the World.) I am truly grateful for those things, those people in my life. Those are the things that truly keep me from going over the edge. Where I find myself wavering at the precipice all to often. Staring down at the impossibility of what the future, and the lack of help could mean for Britton and I. I admit to crying A LOT in the past few months. AND I even thrown myself several pity parties. (No one else attends, but trust me, no one else could bear attending.)
As I attempt not to jump off the edge of other peoples judgements, and criticisms, I am overwhelmed and I just have to shut myself off from the rest of the world for periods of time. This is what we all do during times of tragedy. The problem is, if you live in a house with someone who is severely autistic, you're living a tragedy that will continue long after your gone. What a heritage to leave your other children.
Unlike so many adults with autism that YOU never see, my son wants to go EVERYWHERE! He wants to go out to eat, he wants to go to church, and grocery shopping. Now you're thinking, lucky you. Well maybe... unless, hey, you want to go with me? Now you get to "enjoy" all the constant grabbing and hugging and demanding that I kiss his hands over and over and over and over. There aren't enough lines to say how many times he demands it. If he catches me by surprise he usually busts my lips. That happens about once a week. It looks very much like I am attempting to ward off an attack. He jumps, and he laughs, and he hums and he flaps his arms. (FYI he weighs 140lbs) People stare, make comments and snide remarks. You'd think after twenty plus years I'd be immune. Or at least I'd have grown thicker skin. The bad part is, if I hear them I don't run off crying like I did for so many years. Now, I turn around and explain autism to them. They really appreciate it.
Recently I read this, let's call it an admonition...
"Much of what you must forgive others for, and especially yourself, is the ignorance that damages. People don't only hurt willfully. More often because they simply don't know anything else; they don't know how to be anything else, anything better."
You can only vaguely, sort of, maybe a tiny bit understand how difficult Holidays are in the lives of people with autism. They need desperately for everything to stay the SAME. They need their daily routine to always get up at a certain time...to eat at a certain time, go the same places, do the same things. The SAME.....SAME SAME SAME! Autism, the Holidays are not for you! The rest of us, "the normals" prefer the change. The chance to sleep in, read a book, watch some Holiday football, or Christmas movies. The change that helps us get through the rest of the year. But alas, it is never to be. He just cannot do it. He ENDURES it. He HATES it! And, because he hates it all, so do we.
Today I took Britton to six restaurants. Yes, I said SIX. He refused to use his Ipad to tell me where he WANTED to go. (Not one of the restaurants can be guaranteed to be GFCF, but I decided to throw caution to the wind.) Since he is nonverbal let me explain how this goes down. I pull in, I say, "Do you want to eat here?" I turn off the car. If the answer is yes, he gets out. If the answer is No, he reaches over and restarts the car. This can feel endless. Goodness, today it was endless! I hate it extra during the holidays because EVERYONE is eating out. No offense to the rest of "the normals" but I'd rather eat with as few of you as possible. The reason? I can't trust you to be kind, or understanding. I can't trust you NOT TO STARE! I always wonder if his brain injury showed on the outside, (e.g. a giant concave skull, or huge bulging brain out one ear?) Would i get the same responses? In some ways I am jealous of those disabilities that LOOK DISABLED. At least people get it immediately. They drop their gaze, and attempt to mind their own business. Not so much with autism.
My son also, tries to constantly kiss my poor husband as well. I admit that I "lost it" in the mall during a short shopping stent over the holiday. A man looked at my son trying to kiss my husband, and muttered, "disgusting" as he went by. I couldn't take it. I was not exhibiting the gifts of the spirit that day, (I've since repented) and so I chased him down and explained, "WHY Autism isn't Disgusting101." He was very apologetic, of course, but really? How necessary was that? I was only a little ashamed of myself. My poor husband picked up speed and kept walking, he pretended not to know me. Somedays he has to endure autism, and the collateral damage of autism as well.
This is the season of LOVE. Of God's most extravagant gift He ever gave mankind. Kindness, and gratefulness, and just all out good manners should be at their peak by the last week of December. Should be. But we all know that is far from the truth. As the Season progressed, and I watched one mirror after the next be completed, I realized that God's extravagant gift should be reflected in each of us.
Now every time I look in the mirror, I will wonder, what do you see?
