Most of this Christmas week, I've been thinking about Mary and Joseph. As the past year has been an intense journey from one blaring fiery trial to the next. I've been thinking how Joseph and Mary must've felt their fiery trial would never end.
Really think about their situations. Mary agrees to do the unthinkable. Agrees to yield her body to the most high to be the conduit for God himself to bring his son into the world. That sounds nothing short of amazing until you realize no one, NOT ONE PERSON was ever going believe her story. That her entire future hung in the balance, and the love of her life, her betrothel, all of it in jeopardy. Would the man of her dreams still accept her, or would he walk away? She gambled, she trusted, God showed her a cliff that looked into a deep chasm and said jump. Mary said, "I am the Lord's servant. Let what you say happen to me. If only I/we could be so obedient.
“Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!”
And Joseph, can you imagine? The love of his life is pregnant, and HE KNOWS it's not his. If he marries her everyone will believe he had no self restraint. That he had dishonored his own wife. The ridicule, the jokes, the humiliation he must've faced. That's not so bad, I guess, humiliation is really a small thing to many of us. Especially in the world of autism. We hardly notice it anymore. Apparently both these young people, this young man, and very young woman accepted it as part of the cost of obedience. I always wonder if Mary went to see Elizabeth because she had to get away from all of the gossip. Out of sight out of mind? Maybe it was easier for Joseph to make a decision if he didn't have to look at her growing belly every single day? Who can say, but there is no way it was an easy situation. Do you ever wonder how many people Mary told? Who could she entrust with such an unlikely tale? And Joseph? Did he explain to the rabbis at the synagogue what an angel had told him? Chances are, this was one of the best kept secrets of all time. They marry, Mary continues to grow the baby. Do Mary and Joseph discuss this miracle between them in the late hours of the night? Then, Caesar Augustus declares a census! What else could make a man gather up his tiny young wife, big with child and place her on a donkey to take a last minute trip? I imagine his prayers, "But God, I married her anyways. I have trusted you with everything in this situation. Now, how am I to take her on such an arduous journey? Couldn't you spare us one difficulty?" The worry, the fears that must have accompanied them all along the journey. But God is silent. I keep thinking about that. God is silent! This is the biggest moment on planet earth, and God has entrusted it to two fallible, young people. HE TRUSTED them, to do what He told them to do. Incredible. The trip goes from bad to worse because the unthinkable happens and Mary goes into labor. It's a few weeks earlier than the midwife predicted. They had hoped that she might even be a few days late, but here they are, not quite arrived in Bethlehem, and the pains bear down on Mary. It's too soon! Maybe brought on by the long ride on the donkey? Have you ever wondered what Mary may have said on the way? "Joseph, I am so sorry. I don't even know why you married me. I'm so sorry for the humiliation and now this? Where will the baby be born? Who will help me bring this baby into the world?" Did they speak of Jesus father? Did she ask God, "How can you let your son be born on the side of the road? God you must do something!" She was human, even if she was better than most of us. They get to Bethlehem and guess what? All the hotels are full. Not one, not even the Motel 6 has a room. They are forced to accept the barn behind the motel 6. Now I expect both their prayers might've gone something like this. "God where are you? Mary has gone into labor and there's not even a bed for her to lay down on. Are you expecting ME to deliver a baby? Your BABY? And God, has anyone ever been more obedient than I have in this? I just can't believe this can be your answer to my prayers." Then Mary might've added her own panicked words to the mix. "Father God, your son is about to be born in a barn. You must know this is happening. Please assure me that this is your will, that our going on this trip at the last minute didn't mess up your plans." (I had to throw that in because we actually believe we can mess up God's plans.). There are so many possible ways to panic. So much that was unknown. Two of the most incredibly obedient servants, wondering with all that's in them what God is doing. IF God is IN any part of the nightmare they are now living. What has Obedience actually done for them? We don't know if Joseph delivered baby Jesus. We don't know if it was a long labor or a difficult delivery. But if precedence has anything to do with it, none of it was easy.
“Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmastime.”
I have thought about their lives a lot because of Christmas. Because of how hard the past year has been for my family. How many times I feel like I have laid down all that I am at the foot of the cross, only to be stepped on by a world that looks the other way and pretends my pain is my fault. Before I can even lift my head from praying, there is usually someone who will crush my heart with words of condemnation, or maybe just misuderstanding. The hardest part for me has been the loneliness. People don't know what to do so they do nothing. I don't know what to tell them to do so I don't ask for help. Alone is not a good place to be in the dark. When the only sound you hear is your son's moaning and your own desperate prayers.
I confess I have spent far too much of this past year wondering how, wondering why, wondering IF I am doing the right thing each day. I was thinking how God never promised to explain anything to any of us. It seems that most of His admonishments are more like, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Yep most all of them translate into something like, "I got this! No need for you to worry about it. Just do what I tell you to do. Of course you can and should trust me because I am trustworthy. Besides it will make your life more peaceful and happy." That's the jest of it. I suppose I could feel picked on but were you listening to the story of Jesus birth? It's not like they received a lot of special treatment.
I know that God is good. If I didn't believe that, faith would be impossible. Reaching out to take the hand of an invisible God can feel like a foolhardy grasp into the darkness. Stumbling in that dark more days than not, I keep wondering, wishing for someone to flip the switch and a glorious light to illuminate why all these difficulties have come. One of the most important to me is how living through them has even mattered or made any sense.
This has been one of the darkest moments in my life. At a particularly low moment recently, I asked God if he would recognize my voice in the darkness. 'Cause it seems that I'm at the bottom of a pit, and it's so deep, so far down that no light penetrates the suffering. Then I laugh out loud and cry because I know that God must recognize my voice. I've left Him no choice. He hears it almost nonstop every single day. One thing for sure, I have prayed til my throat is raw while sobbing out a mountain of frustrations! I'm a tad embarrassed to say it has happened enough days that there's not one chance that God won't know exactly who it is calling out his name. It can't matter how deep or dark this trial. It does not matter how deeply I'm buried in this pain and confusion. God will still hear my voice.
So on Christmas morning, probably sometime in the wee hours. Jesus took his first breath on earth. Inhaled the very air of a celestial world he himself had created. So vulnerable, so fragile, the son of God was born to two humans. He drank human breast milk. He wore cloth diapers. He was watched over by a human Father who truly believed this tiny baby was indeed the son of God.
I am so grateful that God guided the wise men with that amazing star. I love that the angels brought the shepherds by singing the birth announcement. It was wonderful love and kindness to do so. God could've left them there alone, with the greatest secret ever given to the world. But even God was a proud father. He set a giant star in the sky. He sent angels to sing of the miracle birth and He brought Kings of earth to see what a real king looks like.
“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ”
The realization of those things, helps me keep going. Helps me push forward when I see no way that things can ever change. Helps me hold on to God's hand long after the warmth of His presence has diminished. Helps me believe there is light no matter how much darkness fills my heart and mind. So I reach for the invisible God I know is there. I pray in the depth of the darkness, and although only my voice echoes back at me... I trust that He hears and recognizes my voice. Christmas proves that God does act in the affairs of man. It is the GREAT plan for Him to do so. We are not left here to fend for ourselves and hope that God might notice us. He always notices, He always hears, and on Christmas morning He leaned down and kissed the earth with His love.
“And when we give each other Christmas gifts in His name, let us remember that He has given us the sun and the moon and the stars, and the earth with its forests and mountains and oceans--and all that lives and move upon them. He has given us all green things and everything that blossoms and bears fruit and all that we quarrel about and all that we have misused--and to save us from our foolishness, from all our sins, He came down to earth and gave us Himself.”
