The waves lapped around him, he’d gone under the darkness of the sea over and over. He spat out the salty water and prayed for his strength to last till he was found. The moon shone overhead, giving him light in the blackness of the midnight ocean. Britton looked down at the water and tried not to think about what circled below; at least he was breathing air again. Whatever had wrapped around his ankles and attempted to pull him under into the ebony depths had finally released him. It was not one second too soon. He’d already convinced himself that the struggle was futile and he should release any hope he had, he would die at the bottom of the sea…Despair circled him more dangerous than the imagined creatures below his feet. He choked on it, it was too large to swallow. ”I always thought you would come for me.”
I woke up this am from a dream that shook me to my core. I trembled for a solid thirty minutes while I allowed my mind to accept that it was “just a dream.” But I know, deep down to the marrow in my bones that it is far more than “just a dream.” It is reality playing out before my eyes.
I never know who reads these words, these fantastical, fantasy…dare I say prophetic words--I so randomly throw out into the world. But if you’re reading this, and you’ve never believed that God is personal, I’d like to challenge you to reconsider. One thing for sure. I am certain that I am not any more special than you are. That being said, I want to assure you that God says we are all “special.” Not the “everyone gets a trophy” kind of special, more like, He chose everyone of us. He created everyone of us. Which makes us special, more special than any other creation on the earth.
Never do I feel more loved than when I wake from a "God dream." They are not always, angel wings and white clouds. In this dream I saw my son sinking into the depths of a dark and troubled ocean. He’d been under so many times, I’d lost hope of him surfacing again. But in this dream I was arrayed in full body armor. I could hear the metal clash and feel the thud of it against my ribs as I ran towards the ocean. Sword raised, desperate to reach my son before he went down for the last time. The sand was thick and the armor made my body heavier as I desperately pushed forward. I lost hope that I would reach him in time, my strength began to wane. Looking into my son's eyes, I refused to give up. I lost hope, but I repeated to myself over and over…but God.
It’s a crazy world out there. Should I repeat that or write it in bold? Don’t we all know it? It’s a world of more deception, lies, manipulations than any of us could’ve imagined seeing in our lifetimes. But here we are…struggling to surface from the darkness of so much delusion and wishing like anything someone, anyone would drag us out of the sea of confusion and back to the shore…where truth, and nothing but the truth waits to set us free.
Today I did what I always do…I made Britton’s meds and supplements. I bathed him, I helped him dress. I wished he could eat, but I don’t cook unless he asks me to. Food is so hard at our house. I did those things on auto pilot, and then I did what has become another habit. “Do you want to read today, or do you have other plans?” A few years ago, he would choose. He would type his plans and sometimes he would even type his thoughts, his hopes his dreams. But that feels like a different life, a far away, almost forgotten life. Because when the seizures increased in intensity and having one every few days…there really isn’t much left in his life or mine either if I'm being honest. I think he gave up because his brain either erases what was there, or it makes it inaccessible? Of course I'm just guessing.
Today he took hold of my forearm and that used to be his “cue” that he wanted to type. But instead he continued to lock eyes with me, as if somehow he could transfer his thoughts if only I would listen hard enough. The dream/vision, whatever you want to call it came rushing back at me in that precise moment. I gasped so loud I scared myself. There was Britton amidst the rolling darkness of the sea, praying that someone would rescue him. I felt the presence of God overwhelm the both of us, and tears made rivers down my face…and...Britton, he laughed. He laughed and laughed and hopped up and jumped up and down. He kept tapping me on the shoulder and looking in my eyes to be sure I “understood.”
The dream encouraged him, and renewed my hope. Because I was not alone in the battle, nor was my son alone in the sea. I saw Jesus himself in battle gear behind me, pushing my legs forward, lifting my sword when I didn’t have the strength. He threw his head back and laughed in joy. In the dream he could her my thoughts, so I asked Him what was bringing Him so much happiness? He turned to let me look into His eyes…He knew that I had lost hope. He knew that I felt alone and overwhelmed in what feels like...day to day an unending battle. He knew…but what He said was…That He was overjoyed by my refusal to give up. Even though I believed it was hopeless, I trusted Him. Even in the darkness, even when I thought I was drowning, even when I could not do one thing to change my circumstances I trusted…Even when I couldn't save my son, because I needed rescuing myself...
Think what you will, believe what you must…but I know that Britton saw the same vision. I don’t know how it happened, of course it’s not within my abilities to explain, but somehow…God shared the same dream, the same vision with my son.
I had to share this with you…with anyone who would listen. I wanted to bless you the way God blessed me. I wanted you to know that no matter the size of the waves, no matter the darkness of the Sea…Jesus is battling with you. Even if you feel hopeless, even if the waves grow higher…It is His plan to rescue you.
I prayed for you today. Those of you who read this and feel like you're going under... Please know, you are not alone. He is with you, when you're too tired to go on...when there is no hope left inside you.He is with you...He sees you in the darkness. He sweats beside you in the battle. You can trust Him...it is His plan, to rescue you.
