I've begun reading the bible...from the very beginning. I don't know how many times I've read it. A few, maybe several times? I find the stories of the old testament to be wild and miraculous. Shift the time and we could easily rewrite the stories into today's culture. The stories are full of failures, and greed, anger and selfishness. The harsh realities that this world has always been a battleground for God's people.
"Though we've never lived in times quite like these, we're still walking with the same limp or talking with the same stutter."
One of the reasons I love the old testament, is that I love the miracles. I see His miracles as one way He shows us... He's more than just interested in our lives. He is invested in us. The miracles help all of grasp the greatness of God all over again.
Miracles...ahh indeed. On my best days, miracles feel slippery...just beyond my reach...the proverbial carrot I'm always reaching for. And on my worse days. Miracles morph into a fantasy, more like a unicorn, too childish for me to hope for. Those doubts taste like ashes when I say them out loud...But the thing is...the stories of the bible bulge with God's intervention...His miracles, His investment in us.
To drown the doubts that jab and poke...I pray out loud, with all the painful emotions spilling down my cheeks. I tell God what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. I am honest with Him about my disappointed heart. He knows the fears I'm battling. Constantly I say to Him..."I know that I'm not good enough, not special enough...not important enough to even ask You for the miracles my son needs." His reply is always the same..."Beloved, there is not one situation so messy that I cannot clean it, heal it, or change it! I AM WHO I SAY I AM."
I know He IS. I am grateful He is willing to remind me. Maybe my transparent honesty surprises some, maybe even shocks more "devoted followers." But, I need to ask you, is there any prayer that would shock God? Hasn't He heard it all? Years ago, under similar duress, I raised my hands in disbelief and asked him if this was the kind of world He'd expected?
In a still small voice he whispered...I hear the sound of your heart shattering. The pieces ricochet through the heavens. Hold fast and know... I see you; I hear you, and I AM in control.
His reassurance is like a shower of warmth and peace.
God will be a personal God to those who seek Him. He knows the sound of your voice, of my voice. He knows the grief, the darkness, the battles. He is not only my creator; He is also my father and my friend. You probably already know how much I love C. S. Lewis. This quote... well, you read it... How many times have you wondered?
“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
That's what I've been wondering...maybe as long ago as Britton's first seizure. Around 1am when Britton seized violently and landed on the floor--In less than the 20 seconds it took for us to run up the stairs, he chipped a tooth, busted his lips and suffered a bruise the size of a softball on his hip. Dad takes his upper body, and I take his feet. We lift him back into his bed. I place the oxygen mask on his face, the oximeter on his finger. Daddy checks each joint carefully from top to bottom. The darkness and sadness cover me...in a cold liquid of doubt. My fears grow into a tsunami wave, and I'm overwhelmed. Trembling... I speak my pain out loud. "God, do you even know who I am?"
All day long, I fought those feelings in prayer. I battled the doubts and fears that pummelled my faith. I sang with tears and I read scriptures of all His promises. Hammering away at "what my eyes see" when my flesh demands I "face reality!"
I laughed at one point, explaining to myself that "reality is overrated!" I expect you've been there, in that emotional upheaval of faith versus "reality?"
"Those who fear the Lord never have to be afraid of anything else."
I read this quote, and it soothed me...and then another seizure in the bath tub struck while Britton was soaking his aching body from the seizure before. I'd only just left to mix meds, hadn't even made it off the stairs. He hasn't been having seizures during the day...at least not since December. I barrelled back up the stairs...he'd hit his head on the wall, causing a concussion and he'd sprained his wrist trying to save himself. I dislocated my collar bone, trying to keep him above the water.
All the doubts came crashing back, all the why's and how comes, and the why him, and will this ever end? Where are you, God?
Like fiery darts, the questions played in a loop...all while I held his head above water and used a portable oxygen container to get air into him. I didn't cry, and that surprised and scared me a little. As strange as it sounds, I sang as he thrashed in the water. "I raise a hallelujah in the presence of my enemies. I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief." Fighting the fear, wrestling the ugly voices..."for we wrestle not against flesh and blood." Then I realized...I did not recognize the voice that spewed those doubts...those doubts were not me. Chills ran along my spine...This is war, and the ugliest battle was happening inside my mind! I silenced the enemy with one determined rebuke.
I'm not saying the enemy hadn't beaten me up. I'm not saying that the circumstances are easy. I'm saying that so often we forget we are in a war for our souls. Since the first seizure, I'd been arming myself for hours. I'd been in God's presence. And this time, I rebuked the enemy of my soul for his slimy tactics. His voice vanished in an instant.
Sometimes we gotta do more than pull that sword. Some battles require hand to hand combat. This is "how I fight my battles...it may look like I'm surrounded, but I'm surrounded by You!"
...and that victory tasted sweeter than honey.
“The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.”
ALL COVERS HAVE BEEN UPDATED.
In case you didn't know...I changed all my book covers. Yep, all of them. I'm gonna post them here so you get a good look. I'm very proud of these covers, as I'm the designer. It's been a rough go, getting approval for covers that the "experts" say will sell. I used their people, and I just wasn't happy with their perception of what my covers should say about my stories. Anyway, I love these and I hope you do too. That's my son on the cover! In May I sold more books on Amazon than I ever have. It's June 14, and I've already sold as many books in June as I sold in all of May. It's a bit surreal. Please continue to pray for my books to be read by those who need them. If you've already read the books, WRITE A REVIEW!!! Reviews sell books. If you don't want to write a review...just give it stars,***** they don't require you to say anything else. THANK YOU FRIENDS!!!
Here's the review link for each book - review one, review all...YOUR CHOICE
The Choosing NO CHOICE The Last Choice
