okay I've been busy with grandkids, and summer...and and...The truth is...I've been...wrestling.
This summer...well, I've struggled. (Isn't that a gentle description for a wrestling match?)
Our whole world has become unpredictable...I suppose it always is, but somehow we've all
noticed it more.
Autism is the very definition of unpredictability.
Our struggles have been enough seizures to last a lifetime...and all the challenging behaviors that go with it.
A fifty pound weight loss...and maybe the most unknown reality outside of the autism world...regression. Losing all you've fought tooth and nail to gain...like a wave that goes crashing into the shoreline then recedes back so fast you can't possibly catch it. A blog is a place where confessions are acceptable...so my confession--it's been a gut wrenching fall that has knocked my breath out and I've been unable to inhale again.
Most of us have wrestled. You and me along with the rest of the world. We've wrestled over masks, over vaccines and a government that no one trusts, and a media that tells tall tales.
The world has shaken and shuddered and I've held tight to the one thing I know is rock solid... for me that is my faith. Maybe it's something different for you, but either way, I hope you have found something, or someone to hang on to. If not...it sure is a bumpy ride.
This Summer of long long nights, and even longer days should begin to wind down soon...at least that's what I tell myself. Not because the heat is cooling, or the days are any shorter... but because I have come to the end of a great many things...not the least of which is endurance...
I want to share with you an underlying truth...without hope, we can't endure.
One of the ways I scrounge up hope is by closing my eyes and imagining...I see my son, whole...happy...strong and healthy. I imagine his purpose, his hopes...his dreams. I'm unsure if it's a healthy practice, but I do it...often. I let the pictures swirl around in my mind, and mentally I show them to God. I ask lots of questions, "Is this what he was meant to be? How do we find our way back to your divine plan? Have I lost my way? Am I doing my part? Please help me never give up!" I hear His voice...over all these guttural pleas...
"TRUST ME."
I close my eyes, take His hand and continue walking through the darkness of the unknown... it's something we all do, with or without holding His hand.
This kind of mental gyration takes place in the wee hours of the mornings when I've been awake several days in a row and I'm reaching for hope...with both hands. Like scooping sand, it takes effort to keep the hope from spilling out and being blown away by the winds of fear. I realized recently that I don't really hope in the same ways I used to. I used to hope for help... that I'd figure things out, find the right doctor, or caregiver or dayhab, or support... from anywhere. I figured if I just turned over enough rocks, eventually I'd discover the right people, places...answers. Now my hope has morphed into a cry for peace. That it might be possible to accept what is, even while I battle against it with gritted teeth.
The countless seizures are an ugly battle, but the thing that has pummeled my hope, tried to beat it right out of me till I'm worn raw...is the endless hours on "watch."
In the wee hours before the sun sends new light through the shutters, I wonder. I wonder how many of my neighbors are also awake. And what is it that causes most of them to lose sleep? Is it finances, a rocky marriage, is it rebel children, is it the fear of losing their job...their health...is it all those things?
I don't know the answers, but God does...So I pray...for everyone who struggles to sleep. That they are comforted by the only one who can give lasting peace. I pray for guidance, so they know they are on the right path. I pray that God makes Himself known to them...in the darkness of this very confused world.
I pray the way I hope others pray for me.
My sleepless hours are mostly filled with listening...listening to my dog snore, listening to the locusts in the trees, listening to the birds chirp as the sun peeks over the horizon. Listening...quieting my ever jumbled mind so that I might hear the whispers of God's voice.
It's the time I am the most still...the place I am "all ears" and He can be sure of my full attention. When do you hear those assuring whispers...are you rock solid in those rare and peaceful moments? What has kept you awake this summer...
Whose voice are you listening to?
P.S. In case you've wondered...Book 3 is happening. My hope, my prayer...is a December release. Pray for me. Right smack in the middle of Book 3... I began writing another story. A Book about families...The Essence of Secrets. I'm excited for both stories, and super grateful to those who read what I write. Thank YOU! (Happy Dance!) You guys keep me motivated, and I'm grateful for you all. After all...a story is only as powerful as those who read it. Thank you for doing that for me! Thank you for stopping by...
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