I know it's true... I'm socially impaired. Oh no, don't go thinking I was born this way, I wasn't. It came from the twists and turns, and molding of life with Autism. I use to be able to chit chat about, ohhhh the latest fashion, or someone's new hair style. But no more. I decided after attending a small party thrown in my brother's back yard, that I probably should not attend without a list I hand to anyone who would like to attempt small talk, they should be warned. Like mutes I have encountered, who hand me a note about the item he is selling for $5 in a restaurant. I'd hand out a list of possible topics of conversation.
This list would say something like this... I can engage in adult conversation, outside of using the PECS system, and/or the Proloquo on the IPAD. However, my ability to stay on topic will be limited to the following subjects. First and foremost, #1. Autism. We can discuss it's many causes, treatments, controversies. As long as Autism is the main topic, I'm good with that. #2. Biomedical Interventions for Autism. I realize that really falls into #1, but trust me, I can talk for hours on end on more than maybe a thousands choices for treatments. So it warrants it's own number. #3 Nutrition for autism, and those with various seemingly unrelated conditions, (e.g. ADD, ADHD, OCD, etc etc) See, I'm branching out, not totally autism related? #4. Politics, and you guessed it, as related to Special Needs and/or Disabilities. #5.Genetically modified foods and how they affect the physiology of most humans, specifically those who have been vaccinated and still have live measles living in their guts, I know you guessed, those with autism. #6. Hormone Balancing, not specifically related to those with Autism, more for those caring for those with Autism, whose systems have burned away all their hormones from lack of sleep and proper nutrition for many year. (But possibly for those with Autism if they are old enough to need that type of intervention.) #7 I'm particularly proud that I can add this one, My Spiritual Journey because of.... (drum roll) AUTISM!! #8. Fitness - It only gets a nod because I had a whole life before Autism, although I hardly remember it. I also hate mentioning that I know much about it, as my life with autism has certainly not been conducive to doing the things that keep ones body fit. Something I gave up kicking and screaming, but eventually yielded and raised the white flag. Let's just say I'm NOT willing to discuss my body fat %. #9. Chiropractic - because I work at my husband's clinic about 20 hours a week so that I may still be capable of conversation and function apart from autism...(my eye twitched for almost a decade before I got out a little) and last but not least #10 Kauai - because my son LOVES this island beyond anything I've ever seen, and almost without fail, he talks a little when we take him there. So although I can discuss at GREAT DEAL about Kauai, I have to say, I might have known very little of it, if Autism hadn't taken me there, again and again each year, praying for one word of communication from my son... He is imprisoned inside a body that just refuses to function well enough neurologically, to allow words to come out. sighhhhh And as you can see, I discuss Kauai as it relates to Autism. I don't know if that will ever change. I don't know if it's suppose to change. Tragedy changes us all. It carries us down a different channel that we never would have dared venture into if our life had not been changed so permanently. So suddenly.
It's funny, today I sat in church and listened to a sermon about "Spiritual Eyes." I couldn't help but think of how often I have compared having a child with autism, with waking up with a new pair of eyes. Everything has changed! It's not a choice that you see things you never saw before, you just do. There is no changing what you see and how you see it. Your "new eyes" see so many things you were blind to before. How the disabled are "seen." What their world is like. How doctors view your opinion of things because so many of them assume you blame the vaccines. Things seriously are a different color, shade, huge. Who am I kidding, they are totally different. Today my pastor talked of "spiritual eyes." Eyes that see what God sees, what is real. My new eyes are a lot like that. they see things that God sees, or maybe has decided to show me. There are those who like me, are given new eyes, following a tragedy, and then I have met others, who were just born with those eyes. Truly amazing gift, or curse, depending on which eyes your currently looking through. (I have also met others who experience tragedy and refuse the new eyes, the saddest condition of all.)
As our pastor spoke of the story of Elisha saying, "there are more with us than are with them..." I wondered when Elisha received his Spiritual eyes? Was he born with them, or like me, did some tragedy happen, and he wake up seeing things he had never seen before? Are mine "Autism eyes", or "Disability Eyes," or are they just Spiritual Eyes that need another tragedy to see yet even more? I have journeyed through this life processing, dealing with, trying to understand so much of my experiences with autism. Certainly not without complaint, but with unfailing perseverance that is not likely to change. I have learned to love, to truly appreciate the gifts of a "normal" child's learning. The kindness of strangers, who are just kind because they choose to be. What angels they are, so important to those of us struggling each day. The tolerance of extended family members, who just love us, although so very difficult at times. They don't understand really, but they love, and that's all we need.
I see with these eyes, that love really MUST cover a multitude of imperfections. I also know that unless one of those family members inherits these eyes before I leave this earth, that there will be no one left to SEE my son for who he really is. A whole person, made in God's image, loved enough by my Savior to die just for him. New eyes. I never knew to pray for them before, I never truly SAW before. I have not appreciated my new eyes much. Not until recently. I see so many things that I'd rather not see. But, I can't UNSEE them. Like Elisha, who knew what he saw, because w hat he saw, was truth. I know what I see in this world of autism. Others may not see it, may not wish to see it. But it won't change the fact that my son is Vaccine damaged. Go ahead and pretend it isn't true. It's okay, it really is, I understand why you do it. It's seems so much safer in the world with the old eyes. I don't judge you for what you see, or rather what you can't see. I use to have the same eyes. It's hard not to feel old, worn, maybe even a tiny bit wiser. I have finally learned to embrace my new eyes. These eyes help me see my aging parents, and really SEE their suffering and realize that I am next. I see other disabilities, children with cerebral palsy, who are so imprisoned inside their own bodies with not much more communication skills than my own son. I see my niece with diabetes since she was 8 months old, saddled with a pump and a slave to the insulin that she must have in varying doses to keep her alive. I see her mother, who also has new eyes, toiling away at a labor of love because she will give her child the best life possible at the cost of well, everything.
I don't know that anyone would volunteer for new eyes. I recently read this quote...
"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."
I decided that it may well be true, and yet "new landscapes" has a whole different meaning when looking with the new eyes. Never did I know that my new landscape would involve showering, dressing, hair brushing, shaving, toe nail clipping and even occasionally cleaning the backside of an adult son. Not something that my old eyes could've ever seen myself doing. Not many of us could... but my new eyes, well they show me that I do what is necessary to make my sons life doable, livable, tolerable, and pretty much just possible.
The real question is, what do my sons eyes see? Does he see a world that resents his very presence? Does he realize that so many see him as nothing more than a "leach on society". (quoted from a member of the PTO when he was 6) Does he know how many people just ignore his existence because they choose not to see him? What does society look like to him?
More importantly to me, what do I look like? A mother who tries to stay awake all the nights that he can't sleep, but is now over 50 and it isn't possible anymore? A small woman who can't possibly control him in public, and yet, I put on my game face and pretend. (Sometimes he laughs at me.) Does he see the hours and hours I spend researching, preparing, planning, trying to find new hope from some doctor across the country who just might have finally unearthed that missing piece of the puzzle that will open the door to his mind? Does he see a woman who takes constant verbal abuse from a school district who has attempted to do nothing more than groom him for a state school existence? Yes they pretend otherwise, but we both know the truth. Please know that that's not his teachers, his aides, the ones that SEE him, the real him. They see him FIRST, autism second. (thanks for that Michelle)
It seems I've spent my life trying to keep him from seeing what the world in general really sees when they look at him.
The ultimate question is, what does God see? What do you see?
