When Everything Broke - Including Me

 I've begun reading the bible...from the very beginning. I don't know how many times I've read it. A few, maybe several times? I find the stories of the old testament to be wild and miraculous. Shift the time and we could easily rewrite the stories into today's culture. The stories are full of failures, and greed, anger and selfishness. The harsh realities that this world has always been a battleground for God's people. 

"Though we've never lived in times quite like these, we're still walking with the same limp or talking with the same stutter." 

One of the reasons I love the old testament, is that I love the miracles. I see His miracles as one way He shows us... He's more than just interested in our lives. He is invested in us. The miracles help all of grasp the greatness of God all over again. 

Miracles...ahh indeed. On my best days, miracles feel slippery...just beyond my reach...the proverbial carrot I'm always reaching for. And on my worse days. Miracles morph into a fantasy, more like a unicorn, too childish for me to hope for. Those doubts taste like ashes when I say them out loud...But the thing is...the stories of the bible bulge with God's intervention...His miracles, His investment in us.

To drown the doubts that jab and poke...I pray out loud, with all the painful emotions spilling down my cheeks. I tell God what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. I am honest with Him about my disappointed heart. He knows the fears I'm battling. Constantly I say to Him..."I know that I'm not good enough, not special enough...not important enough to even ask You for the miracles my son needs." His reply is always the same..."Beloved, there is not one situation so messy that I cannot clean it, heal it, or change it! I AM WHO I SAY I AM." 

I know He IS. I am grateful He is willing to remind me. Maybe my transparent honesty surprises some, maybe even shocks more "devoted followers." But, I need to ask you, is there any prayer that would shock God? Hasn't He heard it all? Years ago, under similar duress, I raised my hands in disbelief and asked him if this was the kind of world He'd expected? 

In a still small voice he whispered...I hear the sound of your heart shattering. The pieces ricochet through the heavens. Hold fast and know... I see you; I hear you, and I AM in control. 

His reassurance is like a shower of warmth and peace. 

God will be a personal God to those who seek Him. He knows the sound of your voice, of my voice. He knows the grief, the darkness, the battles. He is not only my creator; He is also my father and my friend. You probably already know how much I love C. S. Lewis. This quote... well, you read it... How many times have you wondered?

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” 

That's what I've been wondering...maybe as long ago as Britton's first seizure. Around 1am when Britton seized violently and landed on the floor--In less than the 20 seconds it took for us to run up the stairs, he chipped a tooth, busted his lips and suffered a bruise the size of a softball on his hip. Dad takes his upper body, and I take his feet. We lift him back into his bed. I place the oxygen mask on his face, the oximeter on his finger. Daddy checks each joint carefully from top to bottom. The darkness and sadness cover me...in a cold liquid of doubt. My fears grow into a tsunami wave, and I'm overwhelmed. Trembling... I speak my pain out loud. "God, do you even know who I am?" 

All day long, I fought those feelings in prayer. I battled the doubts and fears that pummelled my faith. I sang with tears and I read scriptures of all His promises. Hammering away at "what my eyes see" when my flesh demands I "face reality!" 

I laughed at one point, explaining to myself that "reality is overrated!" I expect you've been there, in that emotional upheaval of faith versus "reality?" 

"Those who fear the Lord never have to be afraid of anything else." 

I read this quote, and it soothed me...and then another seizure in the bath tub struck while Britton was soaking his aching body from the seizure before. I'd only just left to mix meds, hadn't even made it off the stairs. He hasn't been having seizures during the day...at least not since December. I barrelled back up the stairs...he'd hit his head on the wall, causing a concussion and he'd sprained his wrist trying to save himself. I dislocated my collar bone, trying to keep him above the water.

All the doubts came crashing back, all the why's and how comes, and the why him, and will this ever end? Where are you, God? 

Like fiery darts, the questions played in a loop...all while I held his head above water and used a portable oxygen container to get air into him. I didn't cry, and that surprised and scared me a little. As strange as it sounds, I sang as he thrashed in the water. "I raise a hallelujah in the presence of my enemies. I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief." Fighting the fear, wrestling the ugly voices..."for we wrestle not against flesh and blood." Then I realized...I did not recognize the voice that spewed those doubts...those doubts were not me. Chills ran along my spine...This is war, and the ugliest battle was happening inside my mind! I silenced the enemy with one determined rebuke. 

I'm not saying the enemy hadn't beaten me up. I'm not saying that the circumstances are easy. I'm saying that so often we forget we are in a war for our souls. Since the first seizure, I'd been arming myself for hours. I'd been in God's presence. And this time, I rebuked the enemy of my soul for his slimy tactics. His voice vanished in an instant. 

Sometimes we gotta do more than pull that sword. Some battles require hand to hand combat. This is "how I fight my battles...it may look like I'm surrounded, but I'm surrounded by You!"

...and that victory tasted sweeter than honey. 

“The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.” 

ALL COVERS HAVE BEEN UPDATED. 

In case you didn't know...I changed all my book covers. Yep, all of them. I'm gonna post them here so you get a good look. I'm very proud of these covers, as I'm the designer. It's been a rough go, getting approval for covers that the "experts" say will sell. I used their people, and I just wasn't happy with their perception of what my covers should say about my stories. Anyway, I love these and I hope you do too. That's my son on the cover! In May I sold more books on Amazon than I ever have. It's June 14, and I've already sold as many books in June as I sold in all of May. It's a bit surreal. Please continue to pray for my books to be read by those who need them. If you've already read the books, WRITE A REVIEW!!! Reviews sell books. If you don't want to write a review...just give it stars,***** they don't require you to say anything else. THANK YOU FRIENDS!!!

Here's the review link for each book - review one, review all...YOUR CHOICE 

 The Choosing NO CHOICE The Last Choice

Link to all three books https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08C7YH11L?ref_=dbs_p_mng_rwt_ser_shvlr&storeType=ebooks

New Prayer App - Submit Your Prayers and Track Answers in Real Time

 

Going through some really old photos...I came across one of me and my sisters. I was maybe nine, wearing my favorite go go boots, and mini skirt. I had a big 'ole pout on my face, bottom lip out and my arms crossed. I laughed at how angry I was that day. I remembered saying to my momma, "That's not fair!"

She looked at me with tired eyes, and a whole lot of life experience and said, "That's exactly right! Life isn't fair, and the sooner you learn that the better off you'll be!" It infuriated me. My baby sister got a new toy at the TG&Y and rest of us got nothing. Momma had promised it to her for good behavior while the rest of us were at school. She was often a tantruming two year old tyrant. (Sorry sister, but you know it's true!) How was that even a little bit fair to the rest of us?

I was thinking about it when I got one of those nudges from the Holy Spirit. Ya know the kind that hits you right in the heart and you realize you're doing it again?

That still small voice gently whispered, "You're mad aren't you? Because, again, life isn't fair!" My face burned, it sure hit the target. I am mad. Want to know why? I'm frustrated, maybe even angry. Because, Life isn't fair!

Have you ever asked God for something. You prayed hard, and diligently, You prayed for years...then watched Him hand it to someone else? 

As a child I used to pray for some pretty frivious things. Like...that my freckles would fade, or that my sisters would never get married and leave, or that my momma would live forever.

But the prayers I pray now are of a much more serious nature. They often feel like life and death...and somedays they are. I pray with a snotty nose, and a thousand tears into a soaked pillow, exposing the deepest of my wounds. The one place my heart is totally transparent and vulnerable.

"We must lay before him what is in us; not what ought to be in us." C.S. Lewis​

I guess the lingo would be I am REAL during those prayers. I am real and unguarded with God, which is exactly how He has asked me to be.

"What (may) seem our worst prayers may really be, in God's eyes, our best. God sometimes seems to speak to us most intimately when he catches us, as it were, off our guard." C.S. Lewis ​

As I nursed my frustration and let's be honest, some ugly pride...I asked myself if I thought I was more deserving. Of course I know the answer, in spite of my strong desire to argue to the contrary. Did the number of my prayers, or the sincerity of them guarantee me the answer?Well...Yes and No!

The reality is, what my prayers do guarantee me, and what they guarantee you...is that God will answer. The problem is, it's rarely ever the answer we expect. Our list must be held up to God with an open hand. With the faith that He knows best. That if His answer is wait...or even a "NO" we believe might kill us...can we accept it and still believe that God is good?

"Prayer is the easiest and hardest of all things; the simplest and the sublimest; the weakest and the most powerful; its results lie outside the range of human possibilities-they are limited only by the omnipotence of God." ​Edward McKendree Bounds​

I asked God recently how long a certain trial would last. If I know HOW LONG, it's easier to endure. During my pilates/class of torment, I watch the clock. I can do anything for 45 minutes. LOL It helps me endure. I began laughing as I asked God, "Wouldn't it be cool if there was a Prayer app, that gave me the status of my prayers. It would say, "Prayers have reached the heavens...I could watch them travel and sit before God's throne. Then...prayers are being considered...and I'd track them all the way to...answers are on the way." It would have a little map and I'd be able to track the progress. I thought it was a great idea. The only problem is... would it eliminate "Faith?" 

Sighhh (I still think it's a good idea.)

I leave you with the ultimate prayer...the one Jesus taught us to prayer. Only it has been rewritten for children... raise your hand if you are one of His favorites.

Hello Daddy!

We want to know you.

And be close to you.

Please show us how.

Make everything in the world right again.

And in our hearts too.

Do what is best--just like you do in heaven,

And please do it down here, too.

Please give us everything we need today.

Forgive us for doing wrong, for hurting you.

Forgive us just as we forgive other people when they hurt us.

Rescue us! We need you. 

We don't want to keep running away and hiding from you.

Keep us safe from our enemies, You're strong, God.

You can do whatever you want. You are in charge.

Now and forever and for always!

We think you're great!

Amen! Yes we do!

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If you'd like prayer...for anything at all, feel free to reply, and I wil add your request to my own. I apologize for not being able to offer a tracking link. 
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 It's been a while...okay a lonnnggg while. 

I wish to be an email you look forward to. To bring you a message of hope. Sure it might bring tears to your eyes but after you read the last line, I pray that you sit back and feel a renewed knowledge that God is with you...and even more than that, that He is FOR YOU.

Like most of us, I've struggled with remembering that off and on. Sure, I've got valid reasons...my life has bounced like a ping-pong ball in a wind tunnel the last few years. I could list my reasons... but don't we all have valid reasons? Yet...God is still here in the wind tunnels of life. Speaking, to all willing to listen...still with us.

A friend I hadn't seen in a long while commented that, "I wasn't laughing much anymore." I heard her, I guess deep down inside I knew it was true. I had begun holding my breath waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Handling any "good news" cautiously. If staying in bed were an option for me...okay, it's not but I'd be sorely tempted.

I tell you this, not to get your pity...but just in case, you've struggled too. Just in case...you're reading this from your bed, your sofa...from a dark place. Maybe you need to know that you're not alone. And just in case, you need a reminder that God is for you...I'm telling you, HE IS. 

I started googling, "what does the bible say about God's goodness?" The scripture references are so many . "Rejoice in the Lord, always. Again I say Rejoice." With tears streaming...I rejoice in Who He is, and His presence settles over me and begins to soothe my broken heart. 

It may not change your circumstances but it sure helps to know that God is aware of them. I decided a few years ago to be REAL with some folks I was in a bible study with. It wasn't the wisest thing I've ever done. People may ask about my life, but I've come to learn that they may not be prepared for the harsh reality of it. 

The judgements that came after I exposed my life brought pain I'm still aching from. Lesson learned. 

But...we don't need to sugar coat our lives, or our circumstances when we pray. God would much prefer we are real with Him. Holding nothing back, HE can handle the unfiltered pain of our broken hearts. He's got us, and there are never repercussions for being REAL with God. 

The characteristics of God do not change, He remains true, no matter what we are going through. 

I randomly googled, "prayer" one day, and came away overwhelmed by how many times God admonishes us to ask for help.

"Let your requests be made known to God."

He basically begs us to seek Him out. He is near, and we can ask Him for what we need. We may not get what we asked for, but we can trust Him to give us what is best. How do I know that? Because HE promised..over and over again in HIs word.

“Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands.” Deuteronomy 7:9

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you BY NAME; YOU ARE MINE."

It is not God's will that we face every day with dread and trepidation! We were made for so much more. More than living each day with breath-stealing angst...or gut splitting worry. 

You were made for so much more. 

I also found that the Bible is Kindle's most highlighted book and that Phillippians 4:6 is the most highlighted passage. 

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiviing, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. 

Finally breathren, what so ever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of a good report, if there be any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things." Phillippians 4:6-8

Max Lucado offers these four highlights when studying Phillippians 4:6-8 He uses the anacronym--CALM 

1. Celebrate God's goodness
2. Ask God for Help
3. Leave your worries with God (Don't pretend they aren't there)
4. Meditate on Good Things. (Redirect your mind)

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I came to realize I was transforming my mind, by meditating on the good. Sure the hard stuff is still happening. Somedays I wish to grab the covers and pull them over my head. Everyone feels that way sometimes...

But I'm sleeping a little better. I even smile more, and it's REAL. I've begun to laugh again. Putting my trust in the God who promises He can be trusted...afterall, He is God, and I'm not. What a relief. 

FYI - Book ONE THE CHOOSING will be releasing on AMAZON in the AUDIBLE FORMAT, for...wait for it... .99 cents! Only to you guys in my email list. It will be .99 for the first week. 

If you find yourself hidden under the covers, all you need do is click play...

Allow the story to soothe your aching spirit. Let Adonai, meet you wherever you are. 

Cheers, Teresa 

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As a Final Sneal peek for you guys who faithfully read my emails/blog till the end...this is The cover of BOOK 3--The LAST Choice. COMING SOON

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Going Under

The waves lapped around him, he’d gone under the darkness of the sea over and over. He spat out the salty water and prayed for his strength to last till he was found. The moon shone overhead, giving him light in the blackness of the midnight ocean. Britton looked down at the water and tried not to think about what circled below; at least he was breathing air again. Whatever had wrapped around his ankles and attempted to pull him under into the ebony depths had finally released him. It was not one second too soon. He’d already convinced himself that the struggle was futile and he should release any hope he had, he would die at the bottom of the sea…Despair circled him more dangerous than the imagined creatures below his feet. He choked on it, it was too large to swallow. ”I always thought you would come for me.” 

I woke up this am from a dream that shook me to my core. I trembled for a solid thirty minutes while I allowed my mind to accept that it was “just a dream.” But I know, deep down to the marrow in my bones that it is far more than “just a dream.” It is reality playing out before my eyes. 

I never know who reads these words, these fantastical, fantasy…dare I say prophetic words--I so randomly throw out into the world. But if you’re reading this, and you’ve never believed that God is personal, I’d like to challenge you to reconsider. One thing for sure. I am certain that I am not any more special than you are. That being said, I want to assure you that God says we are all “special.” Not the “everyone gets a trophy” kind of special, more like, He chose everyone of us. He created everyone of us. Which makes us special, more special than any other creation on the earth. 

Never do I feel more loved than when I wake from a "God dream." They are not always, angel wings and white clouds. In this dream I saw my son sinking into the depths of a dark and troubled ocean. He’d been under so many times, I’d lost hope of him surfacing again. But in this dream I was arrayed in full body armor. I could hear the metal clash and feel the thud of it against my ribs as I ran towards the ocean. Sword raised, desperate to reach my son before he went down for the last time. The sand was thick and the armor made my body heavier as I desperately pushed forward. I lost hope that I would reach him in time, my strength began to wane. Looking into my son's eyes, I refused to give up. I lost hope, but I repeated to myself over and over…but God.

It’s a crazy world out there. Should I repeat that or write it in bold? Don’t we all know it? It’s a world of more deception, lies, manipulations than any of us could’ve imagined seeing in our lifetimes. But here we are…struggling to surface from the darkness of so much delusion and wishing like anything someone, anyone would drag us out of the sea of confusion and back to the shore…where truth, and nothing but the truth waits to set us free. 

Today I did what I always do…I made Britton’s meds and supplements. I bathed him, I helped him dress. I wished he could eat, but I don’t cook unless he asks me to. Food is so hard at our house. I did those things on auto pilot, and then I did what has become another habit. “Do you want to read today, or do you have other plans?” A few years ago, he would choose. He would type his plans and sometimes he would even type his thoughts, his hopes his dreams. But that feels like a different life, a far away, almost forgotten life. Because when the seizures increased in intensity and having one every few days…there really isn’t much left in his life or mine either if I'm being honest. I think he gave up because his brain either erases what was there, or it makes it inaccessible? Of course I'm just guessing.

Today he took hold of my forearm and that used to be his “cue” that he wanted to type. But instead he continued to lock eyes with me, as if somehow he could transfer his thoughts if only I would listen hard enough. The dream/vision, whatever you want to call it came rushing back at me in that precise moment. I gasped so loud I scared myself. There was Britton amidst the rolling darkness of the sea, praying that someone would rescue him. I felt the presence of God overwhelm the both of us, and tears made rivers down my face…and...Britton, he laughed. He laughed and laughed and hopped up and jumped up and down. He kept tapping me on the shoulder and looking in my eyes to be sure I “understood.” 

The dream encouraged him, and renewed my hope. Because I was not alone in the battle, nor was my son alone in the sea. I saw Jesus himself in battle gear behind me, pushing my legs forward, lifting my sword when I didn’t have the strength. He threw his head back and laughed in joy. In the dream he could her my thoughts, so I asked Him what was bringing Him so much happiness? He turned to let me look into His eyes…He knew that I had lost hope. He knew that I felt alone and overwhelmed in what feels like...day to day an unending battle. He knew…but what He said was…That He was overjoyed by my refusal to give up. Even though I believed it was hopeless, I trusted Him. Even in the darkness, even when I thought I was drowning, even when I could not do one thing to change my circumstances I trusted…Even when I couldn't save my son, because I needed rescuing myself...

Think what you will, believe what you must…but I know that Britton saw the same vision. I don’t know how it happened, of course it’s not within my abilities to explain, but somehow…God shared the same dream, the same vision with my son. 

I had to share this with you…with anyone who would listen. I wanted to bless you the way God blessed me. I wanted you to know that no matter the size of the waves, no matter the darkness of the Sea…Jesus is battling with you. Even if you feel hopeless, even if the waves grow higher…It is His plan to rescue you. 

I prayed for you today. Those of you who read this and feel like you're going under... Please know, you are not alone. He is with you, when you're too tired to go on...when there is no hope left inside you.He is with you...He sees you in the darkness. He sweats beside you in the battle. You can trust Him...it is His plan, to rescue you. 

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Whose Voice Do You Hear?

Maybe you've noticed...it's been a while since I visited your inbox. I've been distracted...
okay I've been busy with grandkids, and summer...and and...The truth is...I've been...wrestling. 
This summer...well, I've struggled. (Isn't that a gentle description for a wrestling match?) 
Our whole world has become  unpredictable...I suppose it always is, but somehow we've all 
noticed it more. 

Autism is the very definition of unpredictability. 

Our struggles have been enough seizures to last a lifetime...and all the challenging behaviors that go with it.                      

A fifty pound weight loss...and maybe the most unknown reality outside of the autism world...regression. Losing all you've fought tooth and nail to gain...like a wave that goes crashing into the shoreline then recedes back so fast you can't possibly catch it. A blog is a place where confessions are acceptable...so my confession--it's been a gut wrenching fall that has knocked my breath out and I've been unable to inhale again. 

Most of us have wrestled. You and me along with the rest of the world. We've wrestled over masks, over vaccines and a government that no one trusts, and a media that tells tall tales. 

The world has shaken and shuddered and I've held tight to the one thing I know is rock solid... for me that is my faith. Maybe it's something different for you, but either way, I hope you have found something, or someone to hang on to. If not...it sure is a bumpy ride.

This Summer of long long nights, and even longer days should begin to wind down soon...at least that's what I tell myself. Not because the heat is cooling, or the days are any shorter...     but because I have come to the end of a great many things...not the least of which is endurance... 

I want to share with you an underlying truth...without hope, we can't endure. 

One of the ways I scrounge up hope is by closing my eyes and imagining...I see my son, whole...happy...strong and healthy. I imagine his purpose, his hopes...his dreams. I'm unsure     if it's a healthy practice, but I do it...often. I let the pictures swirl around in my mind, and    mentally I show them to God. I ask lots of questions, "Is this what he was meant to be?         How do we find our way back to your divine plan? Have I lost my way? Am I doing my part? Please help me never give up!" I hear His voice...over all these guttural pleas...

"TRUST ME." 

I close my eyes, take His hand and continue walking through the darkness of the unknown...   it's something we all do, with or without holding His hand. 

This kind of mental gyration takes place in the wee hours of the mornings when I've been  awake several days in a row and I'm reaching for hope...with both hands. Like scooping sand,    it takes effort to keep the hope from spilling out and being blown away by the winds of fear. I realized recently that I don't really hope in the same ways I used to. I used to hope for help...  that I'd figure things out, find the right doctor, or caregiver or dayhab, or support... from anywhere. I figured if I just turned over enough rocks, eventually I'd discover the right people, places...answers. Now my hope has morphed into a cry for peace. That it might be possible to accept what is, even while I battle against it with gritted teeth. 

The countless seizures are an ugly battle, but the thing that has pummeled my hope, tried to beat it right out of me till I'm worn raw...is the endless hours on "watch." 

In the wee hours before the sun sends new light through the shutters, I wonder. I wonder how many of my neighbors are also awake. And what is it that causes most of them to lose sleep? Is it finances, a rocky marriage, is it rebel children, is it the fear of losing their job...their health...is it all those things? 

I don't know the answers, but God does...So I pray...for everyone who struggles to sleep. That they are comforted by the only one who can give lasting peace. I pray for guidance, so they know they are on the right path. I pray that God makes Himself known to them...in the darkness of this very confused world. 

I pray the way I hope others pray for me.

My sleepless hours are mostly filled with listening...listening to my dog snore, listening to the locusts in the trees, listening to the birds chirp as the sun peeks over the horizon. Listening...quieting my ever jumbled mind so that I might hear the whispers of God's voice. 

It's the time I am the most still...the place I am "all ears" and He can be sure of my full attention. When do you hear those assuring whispers...are you rock solid in those rare and peaceful moments? What has kept you awake this summer...

Whose voice are you listening to? 

P.S. In case you've wondered...Book 3 is happening. My hope, my prayer...is a December release. Pray for me. Right smack in the middle of Book 3... I began writing another story. A Book about families...The Essence of Secrets. I'm excited for both stories, and super grateful to those who read what I write. Thank YOU! (Happy Dance!) You guys keep me motivated, and I'm grateful for you all. After all...a story is only as powerful as those who read it. Thank you for doing that for me! Thank you for stopping by...

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This morning I woke to the sound of Britton's laughter. I waited, I couldn't imagine what he was laughing at. I laid still, mermerized by his ability to find joy. Throughout the night his body convulsed, over and over till even his service dog ran for her kennel. Somewhere just after dawn I must've succumbed to the stress and fatigue, yielding myself up to the rescue, of a few hours of sleep.  Life with Britton often leaves me breathless. I am humbled by the many lessons he teaches. "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."  I read this E.E. Cummings quote to Britton last week. I was blessed with a clear eyed response from him. He wanted to type something. "How can real boys be anything else. I am real, who are you gonna be? Tell me who else would a real boy be?"  ​ Indeed, who else would any of us be?  Though many of us struggle the majority of our lives to "find ourselves" perhaps...one of the rare gifts of autism is knowing yourself well.  Britton's boundaries are firm, he refuses things that he knows aren't for him... maybe it's only a mother's instinct but I'm pretty sure he feels the energy of those around him. He chooses carefully who can be in his life, and rejects others...firmly.  I wish I had his skills.  I'd love to be so sure, so solid about who I was created to be that sifting through choices in my life would be easy. When writing a story, the author is supposed to know the plot well in advance. Then each scene, each chapter is written to move the story closer to the projected ending. The goal. I think of God as the ultimate author...how much more difficult it must be to write our stories when we choose plot twists that don't serve who He created us to be, or what He created us to do with our lives.  Britton seems so disorganized, so random, so up and down. One of the difficulties of my life has been giving up how organized and detailed I used to be. I was the on time, one step ahead, never forget...type A personality. But autism doesn't really adjust to what fits into your ability to manage it. You will adapt to survive.  I look back over the years of my life in the fitness industry and I understand how it now serves me. I am strong, very strong for my age. I know how to discipline myself, how to push and train someone else when they want to give up. God knew what was coming...and just like he prepared Moses by raising him in Pharoah's home...then moving him into the desert...Moses knew how to speak to Pharoah, but he also knew how to survive forty years in the desert.  Sure my little life may be small potatoes comparatively...but God still dispenses the same love, the same preparation...you matter to Him...I matter to Him.  I read a fascinating fact recently - that anyone receiving an organ transplant can expect to take on a great many of the likes and dislikes of the person who donated the organ. It's most profoundly noticed in those who receive a heart transplant. I barely read the words when the Lord spoke an amazing truth to me. He said it is the reason why He creates in us a new heart. That the more we embrace the new heart, the more we will take on His likes, and dislikes. I was stunned by the revelation, by the similarities.  None of us should really be surprised...after all, consider the organ donor.  *I got an email for a new review on NO CHOICE. I cried after I read it. I have not promoted Book 2 like I did Book 1. Which is a shame, because it's better written...because you learn a lot the more you write. Maybe this is tooting my own horn...so toot toot, read this review! *****it was amazing. This book was absolutely amazing. For anyone that doubts the power of our Lord and Savior,this book is perfect. It’s a tear jerker but still one of the most beautiful books I’ve ever read. This reached parts of me that I can’t believe an author I’ve never met has managed to find,and it speaks volumes to her potential and talent!! Please read this book! You won’t regret it! ​ Amazon has reduced the cost of the paper book, for however long...I just noticed it when I went to copy the link. They are the box of those things, and so I can't say how long they will have it "on SALE" if you like paper books in your hands, now's a good moment to get this one! Link below ​ www.amazon.com ​

 

It's one of my happy places...in my yard, covered in dirt and sweat. It's a place where I till the  ground and plant the seeds. Water, fertilize and pray it grows. Maybe it's the solid of growing  things that I enjoy. The almost guarantee... if I do my part, the earth, the sun and the seeds  will do theirs.  I was out front digging up more dead foxtails, when I noticed how much poison oak there was.  It's vibrant and green and full of life. I huffed out a sigh and smirked at that weed growing  everywhere. Then, a flash of color caught my eyes...and I saw it...a bright pink vinca flower,  growing in the crack of the driveway.  I crawled to a stand and stared. That beautiful flower had somehow survived freezemaggedon! It found the strength to dig its roots in deep and then stand up straight and tall. A beautiful  flower, reaching for the sun....blooming in a crack. I pulled off my garden gloves, wiped at the tears that suddenly began dripping off my chin.                                                Then I laughed at the lesson. "Yes, I get it Lord."  Life can bloom in the hard places.  We all have to make that choice. We never know what life plans to "teach" us. This has been  a year of lessons. I've spent a lot of time in God's word, (confession) not because I'm so holy  and it's my choice. It's because it's what Britton wants to do everyday. He wants to read the  bible, and bible related stories...books about KIng David. Books about the disciples. On and on  we read, and some books he wants to read over and over. He loves "Wild at Heart,"  "The Good Book," "Spirit Wars." We're on our second read through "Battlefield of the Mind." Seventeen  books since this past January... 47 books in 2020. You would think that being marinated in  God's truth would change a person. That it would be impossible to spend that much time in  the word and not find yourself meditating on it. I sure hope some of it sinks in, and I become this  "mega believer" who can quote scriptures as fast as an auctioneer. Face giants like David or cross  Red Seas like Moses.  But...That's not been my daily reality. Most the time I'm on my knees, in tears asking for the  strength I need. "Please, tell me what to do! Am I making the right choices? I need to hear your voice.  Show me the next step."  You may be imagining this lazy life of sitting and reading...how I wish it was like that. Mostly it's me holding a book that is propped up on a pillow. I lean so he can see well. He puts his fingers under each word. If I read a word wrong, he goes back. If I attempt to explain things, he eye rolls. LOL He too, requires patience to be read to by his mom. He will allow anyone else to just read, but me... I'm his study partner.  I have this sneaky feeling he knows that I need more than just to read it. I need to absorb it, and hold it close to my heart. Maybe his finger under each word is for me? Hmmmm My life is often more than I bargained for, less than I dreamed of, and much more than I  can handle. I don't know very many people who would choose to put down roots in the  cracks and crevices...yet that's where some of us are planted.  But...there is no question that God's blessings flow and saturate the hard places. Struggling to grow is not easy for most of us...rarely comfortable. Attempting to fit my fears, my ego, or my pride into that teeny weeny space is not impossible. There is only room in the cracks for the necessary.  But if I will let those things go, dig my roots in deep...before long... I'm reaching for the Son! Blooming in the HARD PLACE.  ​ And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or   when you turn to the left. Isaiah 30:21 ***** My favorite  I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Psalms 32:8 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge  him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to   your remembrance all that I have said to you. John 14:26 IF YOU'RE STILL HERE...I'M GOING TO WHISPER A SECRET... THERE WILL BE A FREE BOOK GIVEAWAY BEFORE THE END OF THE MONTH!  OPEN YOUR MAIL, TELL YOUR FRIENDS. IT WILL BE FREE FREE FREE!