The only Autism support group I ever attended was so depressing. I went 5 weeks in a row. It was the early 90's, and autism was such a new diagnosis. I went thinking that autism, was autism. That "most" the kids didn't talk, that they all had difficulty with stimming, seizures, OCD. They would all be like my son. But what I found was, that all the kids weren't the same. Lots of kids talked, lots of kids really functioned on a much more normal level than I had any hope for. I kept thinking that eventually I would get some encouragement from going to these "support" meetings. I listened week after week as these parents complained about how their children played video games nonstop. Or how they wanted to read the exact same book every night. Not that any obsession doesn't get old and draining, but I dreamed for an interest in anything besides self stimming. I was amongst a group of people who still didn't understand "my autism world." I felt, autistic in that support group. Lesson learned, at least I could leave and never come back. Something my son has no choice about.
I keep thinking how the plan here always comes down to the same question...Will man (or in my case woman) believe God or won't I? Satan swore that Job was "conditioned" to love God because of all that God did for him. Take away the gifts/rewards and Jobs faith would crumble. It was a very serious wager, one I think on often. Take away my sons future, his health, would I still serve God? The wagers put Satan's theory to the test. Most Christian families of autism feel they are living out that "wager." Will the family serve God anyway? We don't have the luxury of looking behind the scenes and seeing what's happening in the heavenly realms. We cling to faith and believe that the thousand hard and easy choices we make day in and day out matter! For me, it has seemed that when faith is LEAST likely, that's when I need it most!
It is a remarkable truth to all believers that our choices matter. Not just to us and everyone around us, but to God Himself. It's like God has granted us the gift, to ordinary people, the right to participate in His amazing plan. One of my favorite quotes is T.S. Eliot, (also one of my favorite writers, some people think he's a little strange) says, "I had far rather walk, as I do, in daily terror of eternity, than feel that this was only a children's game in which all the contestants would get equally worthless prizes in the end." God has not promised us worthless prizes...but no more sadness, grieving or tears and above all, eternal life with Him. He truly bet everything on us!
One of the worst moments of my autism life is a situation where understanding between God and I, well it just didn't exist. (FYI- God and I have had some bad moments: spinal taps, anaphalatic shock, seizure cycles, not breathing, experimental surgeries, central lines, epilepsy monitoring units and experimental drugs, etc etc.) Please understand that I am not proud of this moment, I'm just confessing that it happened. (I'm certain Job wasn't proud of his story either.)
I'm in the waiting room of the Occupational Therapist, (one of hundreds of therapy session autism requires) and in walks a mom and son that went to the same private school as my son when they were three, four, and five. (Her son was also asked to leave that school when he turned five. That school wanted their statistical success rates of how many of their students mainstreamed into kindergarten to be impressive. Bottom line, the slugs had to go!) She sits down, says hello, and begins talking to her son. HE begins talking back. I am in stunned amazement. I say, "Oh my goodness! He's talking, what did you do, how did you get this miracle?" (I asked) "Oh," she says, "my church prayed, and we prayed. You should pray for him, go to church and ask for prayer."
One of the most time stopping moments EVER! I promise you I sucked all the air right out of that room. I was paralyzed. My mind reeled! (Someone should've kindly reached over and closed my mouth.) Now in her defense, she was honest. I asked, she told me! What happened inside my heart was brutal ripping and tearing. (Please understand that I was elated for my friend and her son. I just didn't understand, "why not us too?")
I took Britton's hand, and marched out to the car without a word. I put him in, buckled him up, turned on the radio,extra loud... and then I turned around and I SCREAMED! I screamed, I cried, and raised my fist. I was beyond devastated. The betrayal I felt at that moment almost took me. Betrayal, yes, complete betrayal! God and I had quite the conversation that morning. He listened, I cried and I yelled. He listened. I shook my fist at Him and accused Him, He listened. It was almost 4 years before I spoke to Him again. (I refer to that time in my life as "my dark years.") Oh I went to church, I did the "right stuff," but my "heart was far from Him." Oh how difficult it is for God to get through to someone so broken. The betrayal of the "contract" I had made with God years before, seriously broke me. It was a long time until I realized that I had made the "deal," and God had never signed my contract.
So let's do it, let's talk about "my contract." I'm still not very comfortable with talking about that misunderstanding, but...It went something like this.."If I serve God, live by His word, do my very best...He will take care of me and my children." Now there's nothing really wrong with that, except...we live in a fallen world! Stuff happens. Stuff that would not be God's choice, and certainly isn't His doing. Does He help us when it happens, YES! Does He care, YES! Does He give us beauty for ashes, that's a resounding YES! There are even times we get to see it on this side of heaven! But that was not how I read the contract, did you? I'm no theologian, I'm just telling you how I understand...no I don't understand it. I'm explaining how I accept it. (I'm gonna add, that God is Sovereign no matter what I'm willing to accept.)
Most of us learn that our belief systems are flawed pretty early in life. Add in a tragedy and you can be shaken to your very core. Be it death, divorce, autism, It's in those moments, you find out what you KNOW to be true about what you believe. Will your faith hold you, sustain you when it's all there is? You and God, and He's, well...silent. I've seen so many families lose their faith right at that pivotal moment. I'm always thinking, "Well played satan. You know this game so much better than we do. It's because He knows the word, and He knows our weaknesses!" Then there's usually the "well meaning" Christian who will tell you how "all things work together for good." Please don't say that to someone when they're in the bottom of a pit! It's not bearable, you cannot hear it from there! It can be the nail in the coffin. I've been told that more than once by a friend who was devastated, by a divorce, autism, or sickness. That's not the scripture that gives medicine to the soul for most. (my experience)
As hard as all that is, if you stubbornly cling to your faith in a time of hardship and you pray more than you ever dreamed you could pray, you are proving with your life that you believe there is more going on than what can be seen. That behind the scenes, in the spiritual world there is battle! It's your prayers adding strength to God's heavenly host. It takes great faith to believe that, to live that! And faith to believe that you are NEVER abandoned, no matter how distant your God seems. My mind shifts to Daniel praying day after day for God to send help. When the angel finally shows up, (21 days later) he tells Daniel how he was dispatched with the very first prayer, but had to fight his way through. I LOVE that story. Cause it tells me, my prayers matter in my situation! Prayers really do change things for all of us!
Sometimes I'm stunned when someone tells me they've been watching my family and it "blesses" them. I often wonder how. I've decided to leave that in God's hands. There are times I'll be so overwhelmed and I'll think about everything, not just autism, but all of life's difficulties for everyone I know and love. Is it all really one, great, big wager? Then I'll imagine myself in a boxing ring, satan on one side, (yep red boxing shorts, pointy tail, horns.) Me on the other side, (wings on my back of course! NOT) God rubbing my shoulders...He leans down and He whispers, "I bet on you." Then the bell sounds...
I needed this today. :)
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