Whose Voice Do You Hear?

Maybe you've noticed...it's been a while since I visited your inbox. I've been distracted...
okay I've been busy with grandkids, and summer...and and...The truth is...I've been...wrestling. 
This summer...well, I've struggled. (Isn't that a gentle description for a wrestling match?) 
Our whole world has become  unpredictable...I suppose it always is, but somehow we've all 
noticed it more. 

Autism is the very definition of unpredictability. 

Our struggles have been enough seizures to last a lifetime...and all the challenging behaviors that go with it.                      

A fifty pound weight loss...and maybe the most unknown reality outside of the autism world...regression. Losing all you've fought tooth and nail to gain...like a wave that goes crashing into the shoreline then recedes back so fast you can't possibly catch it. A blog is a place where confessions are acceptable...so my confession--it's been a gut wrenching fall that has knocked my breath out and I've been unable to inhale again. 

Most of us have wrestled. You and me along with the rest of the world. We've wrestled over masks, over vaccines and a government that no one trusts, and a media that tells tall tales. 

The world has shaken and shuddered and I've held tight to the one thing I know is rock solid... for me that is my faith. Maybe it's something different for you, but either way, I hope you have found something, or someone to hang on to. If not...it sure is a bumpy ride.

This Summer of long long nights, and even longer days should begin to wind down soon...at least that's what I tell myself. Not because the heat is cooling, or the days are any shorter...     but because I have come to the end of a great many things...not the least of which is endurance... 

I want to share with you an underlying truth...without hope, we can't endure. 

One of the ways I scrounge up hope is by closing my eyes and imagining...I see my son, whole...happy...strong and healthy. I imagine his purpose, his hopes...his dreams. I'm unsure     if it's a healthy practice, but I do it...often. I let the pictures swirl around in my mind, and    mentally I show them to God. I ask lots of questions, "Is this what he was meant to be?         How do we find our way back to your divine plan? Have I lost my way? Am I doing my part? Please help me never give up!" I hear His voice...over all these guttural pleas...

"TRUST ME." 

I close my eyes, take His hand and continue walking through the darkness of the unknown...   it's something we all do, with or without holding His hand. 

This kind of mental gyration takes place in the wee hours of the mornings when I've been  awake several days in a row and I'm reaching for hope...with both hands. Like scooping sand,    it takes effort to keep the hope from spilling out and being blown away by the winds of fear. I realized recently that I don't really hope in the same ways I used to. I used to hope for help...  that I'd figure things out, find the right doctor, or caregiver or dayhab, or support... from anywhere. I figured if I just turned over enough rocks, eventually I'd discover the right people, places...answers. Now my hope has morphed into a cry for peace. That it might be possible to accept what is, even while I battle against it with gritted teeth. 

The countless seizures are an ugly battle, but the thing that has pummeled my hope, tried to beat it right out of me till I'm worn raw...is the endless hours on "watch." 

In the wee hours before the sun sends new light through the shutters, I wonder. I wonder how many of my neighbors are also awake. And what is it that causes most of them to lose sleep? Is it finances, a rocky marriage, is it rebel children, is it the fear of losing their job...their health...is it all those things? 

I don't know the answers, but God does...So I pray...for everyone who struggles to sleep. That they are comforted by the only one who can give lasting peace. I pray for guidance, so they know they are on the right path. I pray that God makes Himself known to them...in the darkness of this very confused world. 

I pray the way I hope others pray for me.

My sleepless hours are mostly filled with listening...listening to my dog snore, listening to the locusts in the trees, listening to the birds chirp as the sun peeks over the horizon. Listening...quieting my ever jumbled mind so that I might hear the whispers of God's voice. 

It's the time I am the most still...the place I am "all ears" and He can be sure of my full attention. When do you hear those assuring whispers...are you rock solid in those rare and peaceful moments? What has kept you awake this summer...

Whose voice are you listening to? 

P.S. In case you've wondered...Book 3 is happening. My hope, my prayer...is a December release. Pray for me. Right smack in the middle of Book 3... I began writing another story. A Book about families...The Essence of Secrets. I'm excited for both stories, and super grateful to those who read what I write. Thank YOU! (Happy Dance!) You guys keep me motivated, and I'm grateful for you all. After all...a story is only as powerful as those who read it. Thank you for doing that for me! Thank you for stopping by...

You can find my books on Amazon or Goodreads

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This morning I woke to the sound of Britton's laughter. I waited, I couldn't imagine what he was laughing at. I laid still, mermerized by his ability to find joy. Throughout the night his body convulsed, over and over till even his service dog ran for her kennel. Somewhere just after dawn I must've succumbed to the stress and fatigue, yielding myself up to the rescue, of a few hours of sleep.  Life with Britton often leaves me breathless. I am humbled by the many lessons he teaches. "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."  I read this E.E. Cummings quote to Britton last week. I was blessed with a clear eyed response from him. He wanted to type something. "How can real boys be anything else. I am real, who are you gonna be? Tell me who else would a real boy be?"  ​ Indeed, who else would any of us be?  Though many of us struggle the majority of our lives to "find ourselves" perhaps...one of the rare gifts of autism is knowing yourself well.  Britton's boundaries are firm, he refuses things that he knows aren't for him... maybe it's only a mother's instinct but I'm pretty sure he feels the energy of those around him. He chooses carefully who can be in his life, and rejects others...firmly.  I wish I had his skills.  I'd love to be so sure, so solid about who I was created to be that sifting through choices in my life would be easy. When writing a story, the author is supposed to know the plot well in advance. Then each scene, each chapter is written to move the story closer to the projected ending. The goal. I think of God as the ultimate author...how much more difficult it must be to write our stories when we choose plot twists that don't serve who He created us to be, or what He created us to do with our lives.  Britton seems so disorganized, so random, so up and down. One of the difficulties of my life has been giving up how organized and detailed I used to be. I was the on time, one step ahead, never forget...type A personality. But autism doesn't really adjust to what fits into your ability to manage it. You will adapt to survive.  I look back over the years of my life in the fitness industry and I understand how it now serves me. I am strong, very strong for my age. I know how to discipline myself, how to push and train someone else when they want to give up. God knew what was coming...and just like he prepared Moses by raising him in Pharoah's home...then moving him into the desert...Moses knew how to speak to Pharoah, but he also knew how to survive forty years in the desert.  Sure my little life may be small potatoes comparatively...but God still dispenses the same love, the same preparation...you matter to Him...I matter to Him.  I read a fascinating fact recently - that anyone receiving an organ transplant can expect to take on a great many of the likes and dislikes of the person who donated the organ. It's most profoundly noticed in those who receive a heart transplant. I barely read the words when the Lord spoke an amazing truth to me. He said it is the reason why He creates in us a new heart. That the more we embrace the new heart, the more we will take on His likes, and dislikes. I was stunned by the revelation, by the similarities.  None of us should really be surprised...after all, consider the organ donor.  *I got an email for a new review on NO CHOICE. I cried after I read it. I have not promoted Book 2 like I did Book 1. Which is a shame, because it's better written...because you learn a lot the more you write. Maybe this is tooting my own horn...so toot toot, read this review! *****it was amazing. This book was absolutely amazing. For anyone that doubts the power of our Lord and Savior,this book is perfect. It’s a tear jerker but still one of the most beautiful books I’ve ever read. This reached parts of me that I can’t believe an author I’ve never met has managed to find,and it speaks volumes to her potential and talent!! Please read this book! You won’t regret it! ​ Amazon has reduced the cost of the paper book, for however long...I just noticed it when I went to copy the link. They are the box of those things, and so I can't say how long they will have it "on SALE" if you like paper books in your hands, now's a good moment to get this one! Link below ​ www.amazon.com ​

 

It's one of my happy places...in my yard, covered in dirt and sweat. It's a place where I till the  ground and plant the seeds. Water, fertilize and pray it grows. Maybe it's the solid of growing  things that I enjoy. The almost guarantee... if I do my part, the earth, the sun and the seeds  will do theirs.  I was out front digging up more dead foxtails, when I noticed how much poison oak there was.  It's vibrant and green and full of life. I huffed out a sigh and smirked at that weed growing  everywhere. Then, a flash of color caught my eyes...and I saw it...a bright pink vinca flower,  growing in the crack of the driveway.  I crawled to a stand and stared. That beautiful flower had somehow survived freezemaggedon! It found the strength to dig its roots in deep and then stand up straight and tall. A beautiful  flower, reaching for the sun....blooming in a crack. I pulled off my garden gloves, wiped at the tears that suddenly began dripping off my chin.                                                Then I laughed at the lesson. "Yes, I get it Lord."  Life can bloom in the hard places.  We all have to make that choice. We never know what life plans to "teach" us. This has been  a year of lessons. I've spent a lot of time in God's word, (confession) not because I'm so holy  and it's my choice. It's because it's what Britton wants to do everyday. He wants to read the  bible, and bible related stories...books about KIng David. Books about the disciples. On and on  we read, and some books he wants to read over and over. He loves "Wild at Heart,"  "The Good Book," "Spirit Wars." We're on our second read through "Battlefield of the Mind." Seventeen  books since this past January... 47 books in 2020. You would think that being marinated in  God's truth would change a person. That it would be impossible to spend that much time in  the word and not find yourself meditating on it. I sure hope some of it sinks in, and I become this  "mega believer" who can quote scriptures as fast as an auctioneer. Face giants like David or cross  Red Seas like Moses.  But...That's not been my daily reality. Most the time I'm on my knees, in tears asking for the  strength I need. "Please, tell me what to do! Am I making the right choices? I need to hear your voice.  Show me the next step."  You may be imagining this lazy life of sitting and reading...how I wish it was like that. Mostly it's me holding a book that is propped up on a pillow. I lean so he can see well. He puts his fingers under each word. If I read a word wrong, he goes back. If I attempt to explain things, he eye rolls. LOL He too, requires patience to be read to by his mom. He will allow anyone else to just read, but me... I'm his study partner.  I have this sneaky feeling he knows that I need more than just to read it. I need to absorb it, and hold it close to my heart. Maybe his finger under each word is for me? Hmmmm My life is often more than I bargained for, less than I dreamed of, and much more than I  can handle. I don't know very many people who would choose to put down roots in the  cracks and crevices...yet that's where some of us are planted.  But...there is no question that God's blessings flow and saturate the hard places. Struggling to grow is not easy for most of us...rarely comfortable. Attempting to fit my fears, my ego, or my pride into that teeny weeny space is not impossible. There is only room in the cracks for the necessary.  But if I will let those things go, dig my roots in deep...before long... I'm reaching for the Son! Blooming in the HARD PLACE.  ​ And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or   when you turn to the left. Isaiah 30:21 ***** My favorite  I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Psalms 32:8 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge  him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to   your remembrance all that I have said to you. John 14:26 IF YOU'RE STILL HERE...I'M GOING TO WHISPER A SECRET... THERE WILL BE A FREE BOOK GIVEAWAY BEFORE THE END OF THE MONTH!  OPEN YOUR MAIL, TELL YOUR FRIENDS. IT WILL BE FREE FREE FREE!

For Now--Let's Smile Like the Moon

 

We've had seven good days in a row. Which we feel we seriously earned...we had so many bad ones I lost count. I was about to wallow in my misery when we finally turned a corner, and the God of all mercies lifted the darkness. 
Britton swam up slowly from all that weighed him down beneath the waves of behaviors and smiled bigger than the moon. He laughed and then he giggled...he ran and jumped in his bed. He was free of whatever held him...at least for now. 

It's an insurmountable difficulty... how do we remove the invisible chains that hold him, and release him from the darkness of pain and despair? Lots of biomedical interventions for sure...and more prayers than I expect most folks pray in a month! (Okay, I have no clue how much you pray, but I confess to only praying this much when I'm desperate for help.)
One thing for sure...This battle is real, and life certainly has seasons where we need to focus and pray for our lives! 
We've had a lot of marathon reading sessions lately. Eight hours and he still wants to read. I mean, I love to read but I've got to get myself a more comfortable chair! I keep blaming Britton for how wide my backside has become, it's from all the sitting. Only the good Lord knows how hard it is for me to be still. First He asks me to write books...sitting for hours. Now Mr. Britton has me perched beside him, so he can run his fingers under each word as I read it. (I might be complaining?)
When life swings up and stays there for longer than a few hours...I begin to struggle with believing it will last. Messing up the good days with worries that the bad days will be back. It's kind of like being haunted by the ghosts of the bad days. So many disappontments can make it hard to hope the good days won't slip through my fingers. 
I'm always planning my life as if I was in charge, laying it out like a lego structure that fits so nicely. I do know how it should fit. But usually something happens that I don't see coming, and maybe I planned for it to become one kind of structure, and suddenly it will have to be made into something else. Something I didn't plan for... So I look for new pieces, search for a different color...no pattern, no map...I wonder..."has anyone gone this way before me?" 
Maybe that's just me, or maybe it's happened in your life as well? In the frustation, I lift my hands to the heavens and ask, "You see me right? YOU are the one in charge, right?" His presence overshadows and I gasp at the power in it. How did I ever doubt? I open my eyes back to this world, this flesh world...where doubts pile up like dirty laundry. 
Britton stands on the top of the stair landing...the morning sun comes through the large windows in the vaulted ceiling. He flaps his hands and laughs because the dark days have ended. The golden wash of light covers him and he reminds me of a mystic thanking his God for rescue. Tears wash my face. Britton has so many lessons to teach me. Today, I've learned to be thankful for this moment. To refuse to let the ghosts of what might be...push their way in and steal the joy and peace that are here right now. To be truly grateful...for now. 

So...for now...maybe we can look around and find that thing...that one small thing we can be truly grateful for? We can tilt our heads back, let the sun warm our faces and know who's in charge. For now...in this moment, we can join Britton...and smile like the moon.

I WISH...

You've felt it too, right? Feeling like life is squeezing the breath right out of you? 

Have you been sitting...in the dark, freezing, with no water?  You must live in Texas. LOL 

Welcome to the 2021 none of us saw coming. 

I'm pretty sure It's the million dollar question isn't it? 

WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS CRAZY WORLD? 

To most of us our world has been buried under a thousand unanswered questions and then tangled up in a million opinions. Ever get a tangle in your hair that was so knotted that you finally just cut it out? Our country sort of feels like that... like there's just no untangling this mess. Maybe cutting our way out of it is the only answer? I'll leave that question for you to work on...we've all heard enough opinions to last... maybe forever.

Sitting in the house in so many layers of clothes, a coat, a hat, wool socks and boots... I wished for a different life? Wished to get in my car and drive away, not stopping... hopefully never.

That thought has been going through my mind far too often lately. Probably beginning somewhere around May when I realized that no one was really wanting to flatten any curves. 

A lot of my struggles are the same as everyone elses. Mask, no masks, vaccine mandates, and people you love getting the vaccine because it's just easier and "surprise" your thirty plus years of vaccine research do not give you any credibility. You quite obviously know very little. They'd rather just drink Dr. Fauci's and Bill Gate's koolaid, and forget the fact that they stand to make billions of dollars if you will just comply...and if you won't, there will be laws to make you. All because there are millions of dollars to share with various Congressmen. "Follow the money?" But again, what do I know?

So there's that...and then there's daily life. The life with autism, with seizures, with the mountains of anxiety. I talk myself off a cliff so often that there are permanent foot prints imbeded on the edge.

Today I just wished...I wished for all the things I want to do with my life. Don't get me wrong, I'd do anything for my son, and I've proven it over and over again. But his refusal to even try (okay maybe once every six months) has made my "sacrifice" more difficult. I wish to finish book three! I wish to go to writing conferences even if they are online. I wish to workout ...heck, I wish to just be able to take a walk around the block. I wish... 

Most of us do. We wish for many things we can't do much about. I decided to ask you...

What do you wish for? 

Do you wish to be more than you are now because... you know that you were meant to be. Do You wish to be understood... do you wish to be loved? Do you wish the God of the Universe knew your name?

It seems universal, these wishes. I started asking other people, what do you wish for? If you could change what is, if there was nothing to stop you, what would you pursue? I researched what most people wish for and the list was surprising. Here goes... in order of priority.

1, Happiness

2. Freedom

3. Peace

4. More Sex

5. FAME? REALLY? 

6. To Change Themselves*

7. Love

8. Fundamentals (food, clothing, shelter)

9. Money

10. Good Health

Really studying the list I was amazed to know that 8 out of 10 of those we can get from our relationship with God. Sure, that's just my opinion, but it's also absolutely the opinion of every single story in the bible. I could list scripture to prove it, but I might lose you by # 4. LOL (Song of Solomon, I'm telling you it's there!) 

Britton and I have been reading "The Battlefield of the mind!" Because heaven knows that is the battle we are all in. Struggling to stay home, struggling to wear masks, struggling with sickness... and the big stuff...struggling with wanting a different world to live in. 

I read today, that less that 35% of Americans will check the box when asked if they are happy. So living in the richest country in the world, with the most stuff, 65% of us need something different. Stuff, does not make us happy...peace, freedom, friendships...loyalty, love... that's a where our happiness can be found.

I wish for a great many things...and somedays my wishes seem so small. All my wishes are wrapped around what I believe will make me happy. I keep wondering if we've got it all wrong...what if being happy first would bring us peace, freedom, loyalty and friendships. What if happiness is a choice?

I decided to pay attention to where I'm letting my mind wander. To actually think about, what I'm thinking about. Since we are encouraged... no maybe instructed is a better word, to think of specific things, perhaps that's where I happiness is controlled?

"Summing it all up friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious--the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. " Philippians 4:8

I've decided to test this challenge... keeping my mind under careful filter...then I am going to choose to be happy.  Filtering out all the things that increase my anxiety ought to go a long way towards changing my outlook.

I want you to know that I pray for each and every one of you. I ask God what you need, and to give me the words that will bless you. Words that will help heal your wounds, and most of all words that help you feel His love. I wish for each of YOU to feel happiness in all situations.

Jesus said, "I've told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy completely full. Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very. best way to love." John 15: 11-15

I translate that to say... I wish you happiness, the same way I have happiness. When I ask God what you need, He says you need to be happy. Love each other the way I love you, that is how you find true happiness. (translation... my own, and it made me happy when I did it.) wink 

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So here I am shamelessly adding a book ad to the end of the blog. Hey at least I put it at the end so you can look at it or not. LOL I'm tirelessly working on book 3! It will be the final book in this series, who knows where I go from there? Please pray for me. I want to tell the stories that Jesus wants me to tell. 

Click here to read a free Chapter of THE CHOOSING

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Click here to read a free chapter of No Choice

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THE BLAME GAME - FORGETTING WHO GOD IS

Thirty years later and the guilt eats at me. Whenever my son's suffering 

increases I begin battling the same questions...The ones I've asked myself year after endless year. 

"Why didn't I pray more? 

Why didn't I hear God when I prayed about the vaccines? 

Why Britton? 

Where is God? 

Why didn't God stop me? 

Why doesn't He heal him? 

Are we being punished? 

Does God even love us anymore?

I decided to be transparent about the progression of blame. Because we all do it. We blame ourselves and when that overwhelms, we blame the greed of whoever is next in line (Big Pharm is always a valid choice at my house.) If that doesn't help, we go straight to the top and blame the King of the World. At least that's my progression. You might have a heart white as snow, but me...not so much.

I want to make the choices that are best for my son. But... I fail, again and again. I remind myself that it's most important that I make the choices that are best for my soul. Cause when I get to the end of this life, I pray to have made the choices that God would have me make. That's my goal...my out there, pie in the sky...goal. 

"Please God help me make the right choices!" Every day, I ask...

I expect we all pray a similar prayer on a regular basis. Whether it's about autism, seizures, or whatever is happening in your life. Maybe it's about raising a rebellious teenager, or keeping your marriage together, or stressing because there's no way to retire? Taking care of an elderly parent? Maybe it's all of it?

A few Sundays ago, Britton asked me to type during church, and here is what he encouraged me with.

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If you a struggling because your life is not what you had always hoped it would be. If you look around and your friends and your neighbors seem so put together and you wonder where you went wrong? Just remember that our God looks on the heart. What he is working on and leading us through is not how to make us more comfortable. It is to create a clean heart, that longs for Him. That's no small task... Psalms 139:23 Search me O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way I should go.  Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the Rock and firm Strength of my heart and my portion forever. Sometimes I feel paralyzed by the life I've been asked to live. I complain to the God who was beaten and tortured on a cross...for me. I complain "that it's too much to ask of anyone." My face burns with embarrassment and I usually sit in silence, waiting for the lightning to strike. But thank goodness it never comes, because His mercy is so unfathomable...He knows exactly who I am, what I'm capable of, and every single weakness.  The thing I find the most interesting about that is...He knows me, but do I know Him? Because no battle, no storm, no situation can take me under if I will remember who my God is. "Waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, Light in the darkness, My God. That is who You are!"  I make my flesh say it with my mouth, so my HEART can remember not only...WHO GOD IS...but that I am His. When life gets too dark to see. It's the solid when nothing else is. I hold a tight grip on my belief in God's goodness and His love for me. It makes a difference in whether I hold my ground in the storm...or it blows me back, far far back.  I wanted to remind you too. That some seasons of life have far more storms, far more battles, and far more confusion than others. Reminding yourself WHO GOD SAYS HE IS...is like lifting a ten-foot sword of light into the darkest situation. That believing God is who He says He is, and that He will do what He says He will do, is the ultimate anchor in any storm. I'm going to leave you with some of the phrases of Who Our God is...reciting them, can clear the darkest sky. It's how I shut down the blame game and remember that I am who HE says I am! I am His...and so are you! God is: ​Revelation 22:13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.” ​1 John 4:16​ So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. ​Luke 18:27 But he said, “What is impossible with men is possible with God.” ​Colossians 1:16 For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. ​Deuteronomy 7:9 Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations, ​John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. ​Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. To shop for my book!  Click HERE ​

What Story Are You Telling?

"I experienced the most amazing gift this past Christmas week. Britton sat at his desk and worked on answering questions. (He has given up most of his academic work totally during Covid-19) But on this day of miracles... In the middle of the most mundane Monday morning...he sat down at his desk and pulled out his very first worksheets. He began with the basic questions. "If you go camping, where would you sleep? tent. If a child has a replica of a baby, what's it called?" doll. Silly questions to most of us, but they seem to help him keep his world straight. But then...right in the middle of all the mundane...He spontaneously typed two deep thoughts without being prompted.  He just wanted, or maybe he just needed to tell someone how he was feeling. We've all been there. That desire so strong to express our feelings, we might even spill it to a stranger we've just met. For him, the gift of clear thinking, and the ability to control his own body caused him to rejoice in this Season of Love and Compassion. Television screens, movie screens, and worst of all... his IPad screen. He has developed photosensitive epilepsy. So any amount of light flashing in his eyes can trigger a seizure. He is well aware and avoids them like the plague. He is now typing only on my cell phone. I don't know if the size of the screen matters, but on this day he was willing to risk it. In the list of words he was reciting he began typing his feelings.  "Say people pray for me and I feel prayers pulling and pulling on my mind. Playing God's promises."  How grateful I am that his mind plays God's promises. I recite them often. I write them on index cards and tape them on his walls. "That's how we win these dark battles, Britton." (I can be so preachy.) Nodding my head, eyes wide in grateful wonder. "God's word is the weapon that brings us the hope and peace we need." I moved right on, he really hates it when I get sappy. I have to be careful...my own emotions can affect him, and not always in a good way. He's like an emotional savant. He senses the feelings, emotions, and fears of everyone around him. His life has taught him that it is survival to know how others feel. I swallowed, took a breath, and moved on. But inside I was singing and praising. Thanking God for the brief glimpses into who he is. The unbelievable gift of his thoughts. I spend a lot of December wondering how Britton will manage Christmas. There's so much about the whole Holiday season that doesn't vibe well when you're an emotional seismograph. Other people's frustrations, fears, anger...can cause an earthquake that hits a ten on the Richter scale. As much as family tries to love him, and us...I do attempt to create a situation that he can feel peace in. It's pretty futile, but that doesn't stop me.  All families walk various tightropes during the holidays. Some struggle with critical in-laws, some with missing a lost loved one, and some with... trying to please people who can't be pleased. I knew exactly what Britton was trying to explain to me. For him, the OCD that drives him to futility had eased."Zero. I have Zero Needs to be crazy...mom be brave." I'm pretty sure It is how he expressed to me that he didn't feel all the brutal compulsions of Pandas. (Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder) The unquenchable need to flap, hum, touch, or spin.  ​ His admonitions that I be brave, trouble me sometimes. He must know fear comes for the whole family when he seizes. When his mind becomes jumbled with inflammation and misfires... when he's angry. Fear is a brash, bully. It tries to overpower and be the loudest voice in our minds. It will elbow peace right out of our hearts and leave us consumed with its darkness. I'm sure you know this...but Jesus tells us to "fear not" about 365 times. So it's a fair assumption that we all must need reminding. Jesus showed us how to live a life without fear...a life of courage. In today's language, Jesus might very well say it like this, "Be Brave! Fear is a liar!" Britton is my blaring example of courage day in and day out. I watch him face his difficult life...usually with a smile on his face. About every 4-7 days I notice his countenance change into a serious young man. He knows a seizure is coming...I don't know for sure how he knows. Perhaps it's the common warnings...visual disturbances...or a strange taste in his mouth? I don't really have all the answers. But he will struggle through till the connections in his brain misfire. He will cry out, awake or asleep...his eyes roll back, his face turns blue...and he will spend way too much time struggling to breathe.  When it all finally ends...his bloodshot eyes will blink open and he will look for me. Reach for my hand and give it a squeeze...reassuring ME that all will be well. Somewhere between eight and twelve hours of sleep will pass as his body attempts to recover...then, he will drag himself out of the bed and try, try again. I am humbled by how much suffering and despair he lives through. Still, he tries to make the best of it all...refusing to even consider giving up. When he does decide to type...he always points me back to the God of all hope and reminds me His promises are guaranteed...never a gamble. Fear never sang a song...never delivered us from evil. Fear never paid our past due bills or saved our crumbling marriages. No, Faith does that...courage does that.  So for 2021...my plan is to say to myself... "you have zero need to fear..." and to remember that: "If Fear is born..out of a story we tell ourselves. Maybe, it's time we tell ourselves a different story."  *quote paraphrased into my own words. Click HERE to go to Amazon